Dip$hits in Space, season 1

Episode 14: Frozen Princess

Captain Lawg made a few slow steps back, admiring his newest collectable.

"I guess it's okay." Marley shrugged. Lawg looked offended.

"Dude...it's a human skull made of indestructible metal that pre-dates the known universe, it's been carbon dated. How is this not the most fascinating thing you ever seen?!" Lawg noted.

"Carbon dating only works because it uses the decay of radioactive carbon 14. After like 5,000 years it's all broken down completely, so anything beyond that is just a guess, it's total bullshit." he pointed out as Lawg scowled.

"You know...history is cool. There is so much cool stuff floating around in space right now, you could spend your entire life adrift in a debris ring and never understand it all.

"That's because your IQ is around 80. You could spend your entire life in a bathroom and never understand everything." he yawned.

"Your just jealous cuz I claimed it first." Lawg said as a very low pitch cat-food jingle sounded over the coms. The demonic "meow" song looped as Marley looked dumbfounded. "I changed the warning alarms again." he noted. Suddenly there was weapon fire and the ship was being tossed about. Marley hopped into his console seat as Lawg manned the controls.

"Status." Lawg ordered.

"Getting shot at." Marley replied.

"Shielding up." Lawg ordered.

"Still don't have any."

"Return fire."

"Weapons take a minute to charge, already in progress." he sighed as the ship shuttered again and the lights dimmed.

"We hit?" he asked.

"Yes...obviously we are hit, that's why the ship shuttered and lights went out."

"How bad?" Lawg replied.

"Cardboard fires on B-deck, can't put them out because the sprinklers were removed to keep from softening the cardboard floors, stabilizers are destabilizing."

"And the combobulators?" asked Lawg.

"Discombobulated. Even the computer is experiencing a successful system failure...or a failed system success if you wanna be optimistic."

"Was it intentional?" Lawg asked.

"Maybe...why?"

"If you attempt to fail and do so...have you succeeded or failed?" Lawg asked.

"What? Stop thinking, you're not good at it. Just make sure we have power to the gravity plating." Marley noted as the ship shuttered again. Lawg looked concerned.

"Gravity plating is weak but stable." Marley said as he noticed a piece of paper rise from the trash and drift over him.

"That escalated quickly...and we don't even have an escalator." Lawg gasped.

"No but we do have a gravity diffuser, we may have blown a fuser fuse." Marley noted, pulling open a panel.

"Can you yank it out?"

"It's fused." Gasped Marley

"Shit...can you fix it?"

"I believe I can." said Marley confidently.