Dip$hits in Space, season 1

Episode 5: Rocket Launchers and Cocktail Sauce

The Captain put on his slippers and turned off his police box alarm with his alarm hammer. He stretched and made himself a breakfast shake, raw egg, can of condensed milk creamer and 6 ounces of rye whiskey. As he sipped, he made his way to the front porch. He gazed up at the banner of a sunrise and let the gentle breeze of the fan simulate the island experience. He yawned and approached his hot-tub and jumped, suddenly noticing Duffy sitting in the tub, topless and listening to headphones as she read one of his copied books.

"No, no no." he scolded.

"Morning Captain. I like your history lessons. Some of it seems unlikely but it makes a good read. You should be a fiction writer, I hear eccentric loners with too much free time write great comedies...you should do one about this ship and crew." she insisted. He was awake now, furiously so.

"Why are you in my hot-tub and why are you not covered?" he said diverting his eyes.

"I assumed it was for everyone, why else would you have a cooler on both sides and an 8 person seating arrangement?" asked duffy.

"Touché, now why are you topless?" he said calming down a little.

"Sign says "guests must wear trunks unless otherwise recommended". I'm wearing trunks...but you gotta look to confirm that don't you?" she grinned.

"Out of the tub, put my book back, before the pages get wet and ruined. And no sodas on the edge. You could spill it into the tub and that's how we get space-ants. I don't wanna wake up with a 5 foot Vaath crawling around my cargo bay" he insisted.

"Didn't you fall asleep yesterday and let a bottle of rum and citrus just float around for like...3 hours?" she asked.

"Yes I did. I let MY drink spill into MY Tub that I...ordered Uka to clean."

"And you wonder why you can't get laid. Piss off the skinny one and turn down the hot one over a little thing like imaginary space-ants. You know those bugs you think you see could be radioactive particles hitting your optic nerve. They find their way through damaged vents and huge missing roof panels covered in tape. You should look into that. I'll write you a book." she said

"It's a metaphor, wait...I don't have to explain myself, and I'm the captain."

"Commodore. You now technically operate a fleet. The shuttle is still legally my ship even if I take orders from you, which would make my ship my independent property, your ship, the flagship of a fleet of two and you would be giving orders to another Captain. You need a hat to be a Commodore, so I think by maritime law until you get a hat; we have to dual for disputes. You do swords or pistols? We could fill squirt-guns with tequila and the loser has to swab the deck." she grinned.

"What the, no...wait I got confused. Are you cleaning now?"

"Awe, you can't win em all, not everybody gets looks AND brains so you gotta work with what you got. Hop in the tub'o'fun and lets ride this beast." she said throttling the jets up.

"The only ride in this theme park is the Lawg-ride and you gotta be..." he held his hands about a foot apart." This wide or less to get a ticket." he insisted.

"Nice one." she said offering a fist bump.

"Thanks." he bumped. He sighed and sat down in the tub, fully dressed and opened the cooler to ice his beverage. "Not like anyone else ever listens either."

"Probably cuz you're not very intimidating and you got no structure."

"Thanks, I try to keep things loosey goosey and as chill as possible. Just not in my nature to resist the natural flow." he said sipping his breakfast.