Dip$hits in Space, season 1

Episode 11: The Nugtastic Voyage

The Captain donned his finest t-shirt and pants, strutted to the bridge as Uka followed with instructions.

"Now remember, the Zaycron are very culturally oriented. If we make a good impression on them, we will have access to this trade rout and if you screw this up, we lose an entire sector of space to move through and the Zaycron have a 2 shot policy...they give you a shot at appealing to them and after that they give you a shot into the bow. That means if this goes poorly we are banned from this sector and will be marked for death if we enter again, no questions and no warnings." She explained.

"Sure, no pressure. What topics would be good to discuss?" he asked.

"Show interest in his culture. Zaycron are very proud of their culture, and the more he rambles about it the better. Just make sure you understand it and don't just nod. Asking questions is fine, but if you nod like you understand and then don't get it, you will insult him. Questions show interest, forgetting implies you weren't listening and disrespecting. You just gotta be a good listener for 10 minutes." She said as he blinked a few times.

"Do what now?" he asked.

"Ugh, damnit Lawg!"

"I'm just kidding...questions good, fake listening bad." Lawg said.

"Please don't screw this up, we are so broke right now and if this goes wrong we could end up penniless or dead...or both." Uka pleaded.

"I hate both. Yea, I got it...good impression, make friends, use rout, get paid." He explained as the coms turned on and he cleared his throat. "So what do they look like?" he asked just before the screen displayed a rather crusty looking alien with a hair caked in some sort of mud-like substance, twisted into one filthy, vertical dreadlock like the most un-appealing soft-serve cone in the universe.

"Captain HAAooh!" he jumped, grabbing the remote and freezing the screen.

"Damnit, Lawg!" she barked.

"I was not prepared!" he said getting his reaction out and suppressing his shock long enough to turn the screen back on.

"Captain Lawg, I presume?" asked the alien.

"Sorry about that, we had a technical malfunction." He smiled fakely, stifling the urge to comment.

"See that you get that fixed before making further introductions. I am Flath, High Queezart of the Zaycron Phantic Sect." he said proudly. Lawg looked rather stumped, staring blankly.

"I am Captain, Commodore William Lawg of the SS Tast-E-Freeze, flagship of the Tast-E-Fleet. I am here with my Captains..." he said presenting Roy and Duffy in uniform. "Captains of my other ships." he said on technicality.

"You have 3 captains of your fleet on the same ship for introductions?...a poor tactical choice, seeing as how a single shot could cripple your fleet." pointed out Flath.

"Ah, yes...a sign of good faith and friendship. We value the Zaycron and their territory and wanted to be diplomatic enough to show this...presentation." he bluffed.

"It is foolish and poorly planned, was your intention to make us regard you as idiots and perceive you as non-threatening or do you believe things like friendship and trust are valued by the Zaycron?" he smirked.

"Just trying to be friendly, in fact we welcome you to the Captains table for a meal and negotiations in person...maybe a shower, we have shampoo, like, just lots and lots of shampoo. Conditioner, Ho-ho-ba... I have no idea what that does but it's magical" he said getting distracted.