once upon a september ✅

Chapter 24 - He's Back

Waiting on someone who'll never be yours
It sounds stupid, bizarre
But you stay a little more
Yes, you wait

I looked out the window of my clinic while sipping my coffee. The song 'Wait' by Over October is playing on my laptop, and it's also raining, perfect for what i am feeling today.

"Doc, hinahanap ka ni Dr. Lopez. May speech po pala kayo ngayon?" Napatigil ako sa paginom ng kape at tiningnan ang intern doctor namin. She's from UPCM of course. Nginitian ko siya at tinuro ang hindi nakatupi niyang kwelyo. 

"You're stressed out again." Sabi ko sa kanya. Nahihiya niya akong tiningnan at inayos ang kanyang kwelyo. 

"Sorry po." Sagot niya sa akin. Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa bintana at saka patuloy na ininom ang kape. 

Just a bit more, i'm still grieving.

Today, another patient died on my watch and i'm nowhere near getting used to it. I think nobody could ever get used to it.

I've been a resident doctor for three years now, at kailangan kong magspeech sa graduation ceremony mamaya. Pagkatapos ay magsisimula na ako sa fellowship training sa Philippine Heart Center. But i plan to apply for Doctors to the Barrios first. Maybe spend a year in on one of the sites and come back here in Manila. Just a few years more and i'll be a pediatric pulmonologist.

Looking back, all i could think of are the hardships i've been through. Dalawang taon ako sa hospital nang dahil sa sakit na iyon. Two years of pure pain.

But still, i was able to get through it. Yun ang mahalaga. I was able to achieve my dream of becoming a doctor.

Tumayo ako at iniwan ang baso sa aking lamesa. Kinuha ko ang kopya ng aking speech at pinaulit ulit iyon sa aking utak. All i wanted to do is inspire people through my words, especially the aspiring doctors we have here as interns.

Huminga ako nang malalim at muling napatingin sa labas. The rain isn't helping kahit pa nakikisimpatya ito.

Once in a while, hinahayaan ko ang aking sarili na malungkot.

True to his word, Koa never did came back. 

Sampung taon na Koa. Kailan ka ba babalik?

I looked away and looked at Paula.

"Tara na?" Sabi ko saka naglakad palabas ng office.

Dumiretso ako sa ceremony hall at hinanap si Dr. Lopez. Nakikipagusap siya sa ibang doktor at nang makita ako'y kumaway siya sa akin. Napangiti ako sa kanya.

Dr. Lopez is an old doctor, pero kahit ganun ay napakasipag niya pa ring gumamot ng pasyente. He was the most passionate doctor i have ever met at masaya akong matuto sa ilalim niya.

Iniwan niya ang mga kausap at lumapit sa akin.

"Are you ready?" Tanong niya sa akin.

"Yes po doc." Sagot ko sa kanya.

"Good. Some doctors from heart center will come." Tumango tango ako. It's normal to have other doctors come here.

Nang magsimula ang seremonya ay pumunta na ako sa back stage at inantay na tawagin ang aking pangalan.

When the emcee finally did ay tumayo ako sa harapan ng maraming mga doktor at sinimulan ang aking speech.

It was a speech i worked on for so long. It's not a one time writing. Dahil lahat ng napagdaanan ko ay ibinuhos ko dito.

I started with some greetings to my superiors, and a bit of introductions.

"Often time, we doctors are perceived to be jusy physicians." I continued. "We heal the sick and tries to bring them back to life at times." Sabi ko na nagpatawa sa kanila. "But  i chose to be not just a physician, but also a patient's friend. Na sabay naming sasabihin kay kamatayan ang "Not today" ika nga ni Arya Stark." They laughed even more.

I continued with the speech, but my whole body froze when i saw the man standing in the crowd. Agad na tumibok ng mabilis ang aking puso.

Paanong hindi ko siya mapapansin? Siya lang naman ang lalaking may ganyang mukha at aura. He was more manly and the boyish Koa i remember is nowhere to be found.

But still, my heart beat fast at the sight of him.

He's still the man i love.

All of a sudden, i forgot all that i have to say. He was just there, looking at me with expressionless eyes and all i wanted to do is run to him.

Pero hindi na maari iyon.

Dortia would always tell me to move on. Paano? Paano ka mag momove on sa taong wala namang ginawang masama sa iyo?

I looked away from him and tried to remember my speech. Napatingin ako sa papel na hawak ko para malaman ang kasunod na sasabihin.

I tried my best to avoid looking near him when i started off again. I'll deal with my feelings for him later, i have to finish my speech first.

Nang matapos ay napahinga ako ng maluwag at mabilis na umalis sa entablado. Agad akong napasandal sa pader at kinapa ang aking puso.

Koa is back.

Pinaulit ulit ko iyon sa aking sarili.

He's finally back. I'm so happy i wanted to cry.

I've been waiting for him for ten long years kahit wala namang konkretong dahilan. I'm just waiting, and now my wait is done.

Inayos ko ang sarili at lumabas sa backstage para puntahan si Dr. Lopez.

My heart was thumping so hard against my chest nang makitang kausap niya si Koa.

"Claire." Masayang bati ni Dr. Lopez sa akin nang makalapit ako. I looked at Koa but he wasn't looking at me.

"These are the doctors from Heart Center." Mas lalong nagtatatalon ang puso ko nang marinig iyon.

Really?

I thought Koa was going to be a fellow here in PGH. Pero ngayon magkakasama pa kami sa heart center!

"This is Dr. Martinez and Dr. Saavedra. Dr. Martinez is an Adult Pulmonologist, while Dr. Saavedra here just came back from abroad. He's a thoracic surgeon."

I smiled at both of them, pero hindi ngumiti si Koa pabalik sa akin.

I chose not to say that we were ex love---

"I know her doc. She's my ex." Malamig niyang sabi habang nakatingin sa akin.

Nawala ang ngiti ko nang marinig iyon. Nagpabalik balik ang tingin ni Dr. Lopez at Dr. Martinez sa aming dalawa.

Awkward.

Dr. Lopez coughed to break away the tension.

"So Claire. You'll also be joining us in Heart Center right?" Dr. Martinez asked.

I nodded.

"I'll be training as a Pediatric Pulmonologist po." I said.

Tumango tango siya.

"Good luck. The current head of that department is a perfectionist. She'll easily break you kapag hindi ka magaling." Napangiti ako ng hilaw.

Narinig ko nga. Kaya naman ay hinanda ko na ang mentalidad ko.

"I'll do my best, doc." Sabi ko.

Nagusap pa silang tatlo tungkol sa pasyente na itatransfer mula sa pgh papunta sa heart center kaya umalis na ako doon.

But i kept on looking at him wherever i go.
Para tuloy akong stalker.

Wala naman akong balak makipagbalikan sa kanya. I know, i'm stupid. Nagintay ng sampung taon pero walang balak maghabol? Martyr ang tawag doon ika nga ni Dortia.

But if he ever find out the truth, i don't know what will happen to him. Ayokong sisihin niya ang kanyang sarili sa isang bagay na hindi nan niya ginusto.

Sapat na sa aking nakikita siyang masaya at naglilingkod bilang isang doktor. Seeing him now, i'm happy that my sacrifices paid off.

Maybe i can finally move on and let him go.