A Story To Tell

Chapter Thirty-One

All too fast the morning came. My emotions were more jumbled than ever, like a ball of yarn that has been chased by a cat all day. I dreaded my session. However, now I could not help but wonder what in the world Scott had to show me. I skipped breakfast this morning. If I saw Scott, I would just be interrogating him both out of curiosity and as a distraction as to what it is he is going to show me. For all I know he is not going to show me anything and he only said that as a distraction, wouldn't that be ironic? I laid in bed until 9:30, only a half of an hour more until my therapy session. I finally got up to get ready and dragged myself downstairs to Kelly's office.
Inside her office I was surprised to see a giant whiffle ball bat and one of those ugly half-man mannequins, people used in boxing classes. I only know this because Alyssa made me go to one once. Alyssa, I have not spoken to her in so long. Thinking of her, I suddenly felt an ache form in my gut.
"So, Katrina, what do you think about this guy here?" Kelly asks me, as she gives me a smile.
"Makes me think of my best friend Alyssa. She made me take a boxing class once." I explain, and then I clam up. I have said too much. Dam. I did not want to talk about Alyssa. I cast my eyes down and grow stone cold silent. Kelly seems to understand.
"Perhaps you could write her a letter in that notebook I gave you. You would not even have to really give it to her. It is something I have done in the past. I wrote a letter to my mom after she passed away."
I looked up at Kelly. "You lost your mom? I am sorry." I was sorry too. Kelly was nice... even if I had a sneaky feeling that I would not like what she had planned for this mannequin and me. "So, what is this about?" I asked, changing the subject.
"Therapy is all about an outlet... whether sad or angry, or whatever it is you are feeling. So, I thought I would mix it up a little today. Instead of just sitting and talking, I thought that I would let you beat up this guy."
"Oh" was all I said.
"I also thought it would be good to have an outlet before your family session. Those can be a bit intense."
"More intense than my last session with you? That is great." I said this as I rolled my eyes. Kelly only smiled a calm smile.
"Here." She handed me the bat. I took it, albeit somewhat reluctantly. "Katrina, I know you have been hurt, and I know you do not want to talk about it. I can see it... as someone who has been hurt... I can see it."
Suddenly, I understood why Kelly got me so well, and perhaps why I could not allow myself to not like her, even though a part of me wanted to. I did not say anything, I only nodded my head slightly yes.
"I want you to picture the guy that hurt you as this mannequin. I want you to hit him with the bat Katrina, and tell him he cannot hurt you anymore."
I lifted the bat slowly and swung, "You cannot hurt me anymore." I said this with no emotion.
"Come on Katrina, really hit him. He did this to you. You are here because of him."
I swung the bat harder now. "You cannot hurt me anymore!" I yelled. I swung again, and again, and again. I swung until my arms were sore and tears soaked my face. I screamed until my throat was raw. I screamed that he could not hurt me anymore... until I almost believed it. When I finally relented Kelly came over, gently she took the bat from my hand.
"You did real good today Katrina. You should be proud of yourself."
But I did not feel proud, I just felt... drained, like I had nothing left to give.