Just By Putting On a Smile

Chapter 5- Why Am I Clean?

(A/N- I'm basing a lot of this off Demi's interview on Ellen a few months ago when her management started controlling her food.)

**Demi's POV**
I make my way up to my hotel room and sit on my bed. I feel my phone vibrating so I pick it up and notice my publicist Chantal.

*On Call*
D-"Hey Chantal."
C-"Demii, so I was told to call by your management team, I don't know if I can do this."
D-"Do what? Chantal you're scaring me."
C-"Your Uhh, management want you to loose some- Uhh, weight. They said to do it in a 'healthy way' but they think you'll get more photo shoots and publicity if you do. They said to maybe try a diet,"
D-"O-Okay, I gotta go."
C-"Dem, I'm so sorry."
D-"N-No it's completely f-fine I get it."
C-"Okay, bye speak to you later!"

I hang up the phone and start bawling my eyes out. Sorry, but if I'm in 'recovery from an eating disorder', well used to be, then how do they think this is good for my mental health?

I make my way to the bathroom and viciously shove my fingers down my throat. I try for a solid 10 minutes and notice nothing is happening.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no" I say under my breath, rocking back and forth sobbing at the fact I can't even do anything about it. A small metal object catches my eye, why am I even clean? I was happier when I was cutting, why should I feel the need to stop to please others.

I bring the razor towards my wrist and shut my eyes. I slowly drag the shiny metal along my wrist, taking in the burning sensation of the razor running across my skin I've missed so much. The crimson red blood covering my 'stay' tattoo. I smile at my discomfort, oh how I've missed this. I think about tomorrow; covering this up is gonna be a bitch.

I stumble into my bed from feeling so lightheaded.

-
I hear a knock on my door, I don't remember going to sleep, I must have passed out quick. Kelly opens the door.
"Hey babygirl I thought I'd wake you up!" She says cheerfully.
"H-hey Kel" I say in a raspy morning voice.
"Come on! Get up." She says.

Shit. My cuts from last night aren't covered, I mean it's not to noticeable with my tattoo because it's dark and covers it. But my wrist has been rubbing against the sheets, making my cuts red and really aggravated. I'll just keep my wrist under the sheets.
I feel the sheets tugged off me,
"Dem we have to leave soon," Kelly smirks, she's thinking about something.

I feel arms around me then I can't feel the bed anymore, no no no, I'm to heavy for her to carry. Kelly picked me up bridal style and took me over to the closet still carrying me.
"Kel I'm up! I'm too heavy for this!" I stress.
"Dem no you're not." She says more seriously. She knows about my struggles in the 'past', or so she thinks it's in the past. She knows about how I had an eating disorder.
"Kel put me downnn" I whine.
"No. All you need to do is change into sweats, we are getting ready there."

Kelly goes over to my wardrobe and pulls out an oversized grey Texas hoodie with a simple pair of black leggings. I see her reaching over to my underwear drawer,
"Kelll, what are you doingg." I say trying to make sure she doesn't open that drawer. I reach my arm out to shut the drawer and Kelly freezes.
"Demi why's your wrist so red, it looks aggravated." She forcefully grabs my hand and before she turns my hand to see my wrists, I yank my hand back.
"Kel, I wouldn't do that. I just slept with a hair tie on my wrist." I easily lie. Kelly looks a little reluctant but moves on.

I turn away for a second and have a bralette being thrown at me. My cheeks go red.
"Kellyyy."
"We're leaving in 10 minutes, I'd hurry." She walks over and sits on my bed, does she expect me to change in front of her? Yes, I know it's normal to change in the same room as your friends, but I am really fat right now. I don't want her to stop liking me because I look like a whale. I don't know what to do. I reluctantly slip off my shorts and quickly put on the pair of leggings. She's not looking at me, I quickly take off my tshirt and shove the oversized jumper on. I didn't change my bra or underwear, not because I don't want to, because no way I can do that in front of Kelly if I can't even do it myself without crying. I make my way to the bathroom and brush my teeth.

I come out of the bathroom and see Kelly.
"Hey come here I'll put your hair up." She ties it in a messy bun. She sees me reaching for concealer.
"Dem, seriously you don't need makeup. We're getting it done there and you don't need makeup, you're beautiful without it." She says and I give her a reluctant fake smile.
"Let's go," She takes my hand and we make our way down the stairs and meet Simon and Paulina in the car.

I feel my phone vibrate, I look at it to see 'Nialler <3' light up my phone. I smile big as I read the text.
Nialler <3:
Hey Dem, just saying good luck for the auditions today. Me and the boys might meet up with u and the other judges later x

He put an x! I try to stay calm so the others don't ask why I look so happy and tease me..
"Demmm" Kelly nudges me. She was looking over my shoulder.
"Aww little sister!" Paulina swoons over my phone.
"Stopp" I whine.
"What is it?" Simon asks from the passenger seat.
"Absolutely nothing." I nudge both of them as a warning and they both laugh.