Just By Putting On a Smile

Chapter 10- When I Start, I Can't Stop

**Demi's POV**
I immediately drop my hand to my side and look down. I hear the door open, and Niall gives me a side hug, planting a kiss on the side of my head. I turned my head to the side and watch him walk away. My head drops again and I stare at my feet.

I feel an arm wrap around my side and lead me inside. She sits on the bed and pulls me onto her lap.
"I-I-I'm so-o s..s..sorry." I cry into her chest.
"No, I'm sorry. Demi I shouldn't have shouted at you and DEFINITELY shouldn't have just left you." I finally lift my head and look into her eyes, she has so much hurt and pain in her eyes. I hug her close and feel safe and secure.
"I want in on this," I hear making me flinch. I turn my head and see Paulina. I reach my arms out and she goes into a hug.

We all get in Kelly's bed, and watch TV. I dose off with both Paulina and Kelly at either side, making me feel comfortable and safe.

"Dem, Dems." I feel an arm slightly shaking me. My eyes flutter open and I see Kelly.
"We got food delivered sweetie," she says softly. I get up slowly and see a couple of boxes of pizza. A slight panic arises in me, as much as I want to eat, I need to loose weight. I haven't eaten for the past 4 days and I want to make that 5 days.

Normally, I feel disgusted to look at greasy, calorie filled food, but my heart feels hungry. When I was younger I used to use food as comfort, whenever anything sad happed I would binge, which later on led me to purging.

I'm not going to get away with eating nothing, but I can't eat too much. When I start, I won't be able to stop and I will easily eat a full pizza. I think about how I'll get rid of what I eat tonight and make my way over to the pizza.

Paulina passes me a plate and I put one slice of pizza on it.
"Little Sis, you're not on the diet have more one slice." She laughs.
I fake laugh and grab one more slice.

We sit on the bed and watch TV and talk while we eat. I concentrate on trying to eat at least one slice of pizza without loosing control and eating more than one. I reluctantly take a small bite of the pizza and it brings back memories of when food was my comfort. The mix of me struggling with my fathers death, and not eating in 4 days builds up and it makes my soul hungry.

I finish both slices of pizza, and try to refrain from getting up and getting another. Kelly takes the pizza box over to the bed and grabs a slice to put on her plate, she looks over at my plate and notices it's empty. She puts another slice on my plate, and the hunger comes back. I try to resist reaching out and eating more, but I do it anyway.
"Wow, that's most I've see you eat in weeks lil Dem." Paulina chuckles. I fake laugh, and realise I'm binging.

Most wouldn't call this binging, but since I've got a very small appetite from not eating much, this is the most I've eaten in weeks. I feel disgusting for it, but can't resist eating another slice, and another, and another.

We all finish the pizza and stay in the bed talking. I excuse myself to the bathroom and rush over to the toilet. Once again both fingers where down my throat, watching everything from the past hour come back up. I wash out my mouth and make my way back to the others.

I hear my phone ringing, I see 'Dally<3' light up across the screen. I answer the phone while in between Kelly and Paulina.

*On Call*
De-"Hey Dally,"
Da-"Dem! I was wondering when you're free, we've been left to plan dads funeral.."
De-"D-Dal why do we have to do this now? We're both trying to get our heads around the fact he's gone."
Da-"Because I want to have the funeral while you're in town, you're in Houston and we'd have it in Dallas so your close enough. It's better than you having to fly back from like LA,"
De-"Dal we leave in 2 days, I don't have auditions tomorrow but we have a shoot, and I have auditions the day after then we fly back at night. We can't to it while I'm here."
Da-"Dem we can do it tomorrow? This is more important than a shoot that you've got. Anyway, we're just doing a small service, the family and a couple friends. I'll sort it out D."
De-"No, you said they left US to sort it out, I'm not gonna make you do everything Dal, Patrick's death also affected you not just me. I can't make you do it all."
Da-"DemDem, you've taken it a lot harder than I have. I know you're trying to pretend your 'coping well' and 'doing fine', but I know you're not. I'm your older sister D, I'll do it. You're busy with the X Factor. Try to relax and please stay with Kelly or Paulina. I know how much you're struggling with this, and last time you tried to hide how much you were struggling like this you, uh, relapsed."
De-"Dal Don't worry about me. Have a little faith in me I'm s-so much stronger."
Da-"I know, I just don't want anything to happen to you D, I'm worried. I've got to go, I'll text you the details when I sort it all out later tonight. I love you babygirl, stay strong."
De-"Love you too Dallas."

I hang up and think about having to go to his funeral. I fall back on the bed from the sitting position I was in.
"Dems what was your sister saying?" Kelly said.
"Planning my fathers funeral. I don't know what to do, I might have to miss the X Factor shoot tomorrow. Simon will be so mad, he won't let me." I say.
"Baby of course he says yes, it's important." Paulina consoles me.