Just By Putting On a Smile

Chapter 29- Your Actual Size

**Demi's POV**
The person in the corner is covering their face with their phone, they slowly lower their phone and I see Amy's smug face. She recorded that whole moment. She has a recording of Kelly checking my wrists and seeing blood. She has a video of my saying 'I need a release but I can't cut', that she'll use as blackmail. I feel sick to my stomach, what can I do?

-
We head back to the hotel, and order room service. We all lounge about in the room, and I get a text.

From: Phil McIntre,
Hi Demi, after Simon rudely fired your publicist Chantal, I've fired a new one called Ashley. Don't involve the other judges in Ashley and your conversations this time, let her do her job. I gave her your number, see you soon.

From: 01234 567890
Hello Demi, I'm Ashley your new publicist. I'll sort out when to release everything and your image. So there's already a date in place for Unbroken, so I don't have to do anything there. I've spoken to your stylist already, and sorted a few things out. I'm excited to work with you, text me if you have any problems :)

I change her contact name to 'Ashley' and shoot her a quick response back. She seems much better than my last publicist.

-
"Demi get up, Demi," Kelly moans at me, I don't remember going to sleep? Oh well.
"Dem we're about to leave,"

I change and we are all driven to set. I've been able to fit into more of my old clothes from before rehab, which is something I'm proud of. We get in and go to our dressing rooms and get our makeup done. I head to my stylist to be told about clothing.
"So, today we're gonna try this," she says, handing me a pair of leather pants with a black mesh tshirt and a black bra.

I head into the bathroom and slide of my sweatpants. I pull my pants up over my thighs, they're tighter than normal.. I go to do up the button but I struggle. I finally get the zipper up and button done, they're too tight. A sense of disappointment and failure lingers over me. I put on the mesh shirt with the black bra underneath and just see fat. I go out to see me stylist,
"The pants are too tight, did you swap sizes?" I ask her, embarrassed.
"I didn't, but your publicist gave me different sizes, she said.." She says pulling out her phone to read out a text.
"'Order a size 0 (size 4 uk) and if it doesn't fit, set it as a goal for them to fit.'" She reads from her phone.
"That's fucking horrible! Don't listen to her, I've got stuff that's in your ACTUAL size right over here." She says.

She makes her way over to a walk in closet, and pulls a slightly different pair of leather pants out, in a size 2 (size 6 uk). I put them on and feel comfier, but disappointed and disgusted I'm so fat that I couldn't fit into the other pair, from right now, my goal is to fit into size 0/size 4. As I sit on the sofa, I get really cautious on my stomach fat. It's all of display, the mesh isn't doing much. My rolls of fat are of display and everyone will comment about it, like is my weight really a problem?

Yes, you'll have more publicity.
If you're fat, nobody will want to look at you.
If you're fat you won't be hired for gigs.

All these thoughts race round my head. I need to more loose weight, but how? I've barely been eating and what I do eat I purge up, I'm fucked up. I'm spun out of my thoughts by the sound of Kelly.
"Demiii," Kelly whines coming into my dressing room and sitting on the couch with me.
"Oh, sweetie what's up?"

From: Phil McIntre,
Don't involve the other judges in Ashley and your conversations this time, let her do her job.

"Dem?" She asks, knocking me back into reality.
"What's going on?" She asks.
"Nothing, come on let's get going," I say, trying to avoid the subject.
"No, you promised to be honest with me, did someone say something to you? I swear if someone's bullying yo-" She gets riled up at the thought of me being picked on.
"Kelly, don't worry, nobodies bullying me. I'm just having an off day." I say.
"Okay, when you want to talk, know I'm here." She says reluctantly.

We start to make our way backstage, when I see a familiar blond head.
"Niall?" I question, he turns his head in my direction. I run over and jump into his embrace.
"I've missed you," He whispers in my ear.
"I've missed you more," I whisper back.

I come away from the hug and with a huge smile on my face,
"What are you doing here?" I ask him.
"We were in Phoenix Arizona, but we were needed here in LA for a meeting about a new single with a few producers. We just got a quick 1 hour flight here, we don't know how long we'll be staying. We thought we'd come and see you guys on set before our meeting." He explains.
"A new single? When's your meeting?" I ask.
"We have to be in the meeting in like 45 minutes, so we'll leave soon and meet up with you guys later." He says. I see Simon out of the corner of my eye trying to hurry me and Kelly up.
"I'm so sorry Ni, I have to get to set. See you later?"
"No problem, see you later beautiful,"

I give him a quick hug and join Kelly again to get to set, trying to hide my rosy cheeks.
"Oh my god Dem, he called you beautiful," She teases,
"Kelly don't do thisss." I whine.
"I'm sorry, y'all are just too cute, when are you gonna get together already?" She says with a chuckle.