Despair Room

【️ Motive Effect 】️

Kokichi's POV

I sat on my bed staring at the floor. I messed up again. I broke down and made a whole new insane opinion of myself now.

All because I went to talk to Monokuma.
This all happened because I was under the influence of that damn motive no one wanted to tell me about. I was lucky that Gonta was an idiot and mentioned a few things about it that made me know what that motive really is before talking to Monokuma and seeing that needle. Shui—Saihara assumed I didn't really remember anything and it's great that I didn't have to actually get stripped off of my lies.
" A motive to bring out something in me... some sort of personality shifting motive... "
I gritted my teeth unsure whether to be fine with it but to be honest I feel very Violated.

" Darling...? "
I shivered at the memory, wrapping my arms around my body in a way to cover it from harm. His ghostly feather like touch around my body made me experience another shiver. I shook my head slowly putting my hands away from my figure.

" it's in the past... I have DICE now... Everything's fine... I'll be able to get out here alive and see them well... "

" Boss! Daisk took the last chocolate bar again! That piece of shit is gonna make me a murderer one day! I'll drown him in warm water to cleanse his overwhelming sweet craving personality! "
I let out a shaky laugh before eyeing my door. That's right. I still have someone to get back to.
I'm not alone yet.
They won't leave me yet.
They are real. This memory is real. My memories are real.

" I- I still want to be with Saihara san! E-even if I'm not important to him! I'm not boring! "
"Oh Kokichi~ Despair looks sooo adorable on you. Only that guy can make you look like this! But sadly he doesn't really care about you. And we still have to talk about how you'll be living with me now since your family is dead! "

My family is okay. They're all alive. DICE is fine. The motive is bringing these memories out constantly from now on and I have to steel myself or I might snap at everything.
I placed a hand on my chest.
" I'm still okay... No one knows of this yet... no one will be able to kill me... This memories are real... my memories isn't fabricated... " I reassured my panicking heart to ease the heartbeats to normal. My eyes looked over to the camera placed on the top corner of the room. That wretched thing. I'm honestly relieved there could only be one camera per room since I hid the whiteboard on the blind spot of it.

It's no lie when I was starting to hear and remember these memories made me panic but now knowing why I get this made me sure that I'm going to go insane soon if it continues.

I let out a shaky breath trying to calm my nerves from these memories that half of them I don't even know of. My own room looks like a library full of books scattered around in a transparent looking screen VR kind of sensation. I shut my eyes tightly my head throbbing in pain.
" This isn't real... The motive's fucking up my head that's all... "
I constantly reminded myself. I shook my head.

" It doesn't matter. "
" If I can have him. Then maybe she's right! This Killing game. I'll participate in it for him."
I winced. The image of a weaker looking persona of me staring at a mirror with an innocent dreamy smile but insane look in his eyes. I remembered Korekiyo's final chat with me which made me bite my lower lip.
" You know the feeling of wanting to sacrifice everything for a certain someone. "
" That too. Kill. Torment. Torture. Injure. Everything. You want that special someone of yours to be satisfied with only you. You know what I'm talking about. "
I'd kill myself if I ever became someone who's going to end up killing someone else.
" I- I'm not a yandere at all... I'm a pacifist... "