Trigger Warning:
Impulses of suicide
Breaking down
Intrusive thoughts
Laughter in sad situations
Another Remus angst chapter because I like writing him being depressed,despite how I both Stan and Kin him-
Sympathetic Draco because we Stan that here
Me listening to the only remotely upbeat song on my playlist as I write this - The Other Side, despite not actually being positive
Me just making extra Trigger Warnings because I feel like annoying y'all even more than I usually do
The usual terrible storyline and writing
Lack of motivation
Wednesday 18th December 1996
1:02
Remus stared at the crackling fire of the common room as everyone else slept on. He didn't know how long it had been that he'd been staring, but it was enough for him to be able to sketch it from memory. As he stared at the sparks glimmer and light up their surroundings - though dimly - his head rested on his hand. He allowed his head to lean backwards as his hand neared the fire slowly. The warmth brushed against his fingertips as his hand stroked the fire lightly. Remus realised what he was doing and snapped backwards. A faint burn dusted his middle finger as the pain shot through him. He crawled up against the back of the sofa as far away from the fire as possible.
He hadn't done that before, so why-
Remus remembered fifth year when he had been climbing the stairs alone when he had overslept and almost let himself fall off the side of the stairs.
Remus remembered a week ago when he'd had the cutting curse on his lips when trying to heal his wrist. Yeah, opposite of healing.
Remus remembered every other time he'd had impulses. Sometimes suicidal, sometimes just masochistic, and at other times to hurt others. They'd started in third year right a few days after the dementors incident on the train. They had passed by Remus for a few moments, but that was enough. Enough to make it his boggart, even. Remus began to shake as silent sobs escaped his lips.
Remus stepped up to the boggart. Ron Weasley's spider began to turn thinner, but it stayed tall. It turned dark and sinister. A dementor.
He'd been feeling broken since then. Everything at once just deprived him of happiness. Not just for a bit, but for ages.
He didn't want to see Roman. He didn't want anyone to see his worst fear was the memory of Roman abandoning him. He didn't want anyone to see his worst fear was abandonment of anyone after he'd already been left behind by his family and brothers.
Remus shook uncontrollably as he recalled everything he saw when the dementor came.
He remembered when he'd gone into the room of requirement a week after Dumbledore's Army was found. He wanted to practice his patronus and face his fears to take his mind off of everything. He remembered how he'd wanted to face his fear and saw the dementor again. This time, he forgot the curse as the false but almost realistic dark beast began to show him the worst horrors and
He was too busy trying to push back his thoughts that he didn't notice the blond boy run to him and wrap him arms around him. He didn't notice the Slytherin's sympathetic eyes. He didn't notice Draco Malfoy until he'd finally made full contact.
Remus' eyes widened and he shot backwards, but Draco just held him tighter. Remus shook even more as the tears streamed faster.
"I know we're not friends, but you can trust me. I won't tell anyone, just let it out." His silver eyes shone with kindness.
Remus shook harder as his sobs were mixed with laughter. Draco wasn't afraid of him as his eyes widened maniacally. Draco wasn't afraid when he began to shake with laughter as the sobs died down. The laughter began to soften to a chuckle until there was no more sound escaping Remus' lips.
"Thank you..." He whispered, his voice raspy from crying.
"No problem."
Draco knew how just being there and allowing someone to express themselves without words was helpful. So he did that for Remus. Remus wiped away his tears, finally calm.
"Is it anything in particular or everything in general?" Draco asked.
"Everything recently, but today..." Remus had no more tears or laughter left in him and just choked back air.
"You don't need to tell me..." Draco mumbled.
"It's been going on for a while, but I only just noticed it." Remus held up his finger. Though the burn was scarce, it was there and had gone through a small layer of skin.
Draco's eyes widened.
"I've been having Intrusive Thoughts since the dementors in third year, but... I guess I only just realised." Remus admitted. "Sometimes it was suicide, sometimes it was just self - harm. Recently, the only thing keeping me sane was the fact I hadn't done anything too rash, but now..."
Remus' voice trailed off.
"I know I'm basically a stranger to you, but you can talk to me. Us Slytherins have to stick together because nobody else will be there for us. We have to support each other, and put faith in the others. While the others have each other to rely on, we've only got our own house. Trust us, because we're all you have as options, and repressing or bottling up feelings isn't healthy." Draco helped Remus to stand up.
Remus smirked.
"I can see why Professor Snape chose you as prefect, Malfoy. Have a Good night." Remus stated as he walked away, nonchalant.
Draco rubbed his neck in embarrassment, but he secretly felt glad he'd been able to help Remus for a little while and maybe let him trust the other. Draco smiled proudly to himself as he went to his own room.
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