the article « l.s.

[chapter 18]

TW: PANIC ATTACK

Louis pov.

"I can. Watch me! And don't you dare say you love me! Who even lies about important stuff like that?!"

As soon as I had spat these words out, I stormed off to the bathroom. My back hit the door after I had closed it. I slid down and couldn't keep myself from breaking into tears. How could he do that? I really thought he loved me and was interested in me, not this damn article. But I couldn't blame him. After all, I still loved him, and it was my fault. I knew about him and his past. I knew how people like him pretend to love you, so you do everything they say but I still let him make a fool of me. I wasn't specifically angry at him. Mostly at myself for letting him in and not even now hating him. Why me? Why did he have to break me like this? I couldn't find answers, no matter how much I thought about it. Loud sobs escaped my mouth when I thought about how dumb I was. How could I think that he, Harry Styles, could ever catch feelings for me? And I didn't even care that my whole body was shaking when more sobs escaped. I didn't care if he heard me, but I was sure this was what he wanted. Breaking me, playing me.

I heard the front door being slammed, but I didn't have enough power to stand up. My tears wouldn't stop streaming down my face. Why did he have to do that? I didn't understand a thing. My brain thought back to all these small moments. For example, when we first exchanged 'I love yous' or when we were walking in London and couldn't stop laughing. I could feel my heart breaking at the thought, that all these moments meant nothing to him. But it was my fault, letting him use me and then throw me away like a used toy he got bored of. I didn't even properly fight it. There was this huge conflict inside of me. My heart defending him, but breaking into little pieces. And my mind telling me how dumb I was for letting him use me. My heart hurt that much, that I thought I was about to have a heart attack. I'd prefer that over what I went through right now. I waited, hoping I would pass out and die on the floor, but nothing happened. My tears wouldn't stop streaming, my body was shaken with sobs and my heart felt tortured. It was as if he was right in front of me. I saw him, but his beautiful features condoned to a sadistic smirk and he slammed a dagger right into the spot where once my heart used to be. I felt the sharp pain of the imaginary dagger entering my body, but I wasn't so sure about the imaginary part. In reality, far gone memories formed the dagger and my mind kept on replaying them in my head. He wasn't here anymore.

He left, forever.

And I swore to myself to never let him break me like this again. I felt like drowning, I couldn't properly breathe anymore. Even though we hadn't been together for that long, he still was the most important person, I had in my life. And the worst part was that he still was the most important person in my life. He was the first one to make me feel real love. But right now this love was torturing me, and what made it worse was the thought, that he probably was happy that he was free. He was probably fucking someone else right now, while I was breaking down on the bathroom floor. I desperately tried breathing calmly, but the air didn't seem to reach my lung. I felt like I was suffocating while drowning in a cage of fire. I died a thousand deaths that night. I panicked and searched for my phone in the pocket of my pants. There it was, I quickly searched for Zayn's number and pressed 'call'. I felt like choking, but I didn't have anyone else to call and pick me up. He picked up shortly after and I cried into my phone. "Please, help me! Zayn, help me! I'm dying!", I screamed with the last bit of oxygen left in my lungs. After that I passed out on the floor, hoping Zayn would find me.