Notes to self

July 4th

this is sappy asf but I wish I didn't feel so lonely all the time its days like these that remind me of my loneliness and my lack of family and friends in my life everyone is having a good time with loved ones and here I am by myself my moms not even here but im not gonna make people feel bad and hang out with me its not their fault of what I lack I don't think anyone knows I feel like this no family no friends I actually have friends but ya know,
I've been crying a lot recently I've been feeling just lost or confused or alone or just thinking about the things I never really let go just pushed down I think about how no one asked that little girl inside of me if she was ok never asked how those things made her feel they probably though she would be fine after hearing her mother screaming and crying for all those years after all the blood after all those words that were said to her as a child after being terrified in her own home for all those years after being afraid to speak up for herself being afraid to tell her own story for the sake of adults so they wouldn't get in trouble after all those sleepless nights and still going to school like nothing happened after all the lies I don't think about it half the time its so far pushed down it almost doesn't feel real do you know what if eels like to see your mother slit her own wrist, try to swallow pills and all you can do is cry and beg her to stop cause you need her, Do you know hat if feels like for your own mother to te;; you she fuckin hates you? To not know affection from your own mother. Your own mother telling you her life sucks because of you her telling you she wants to kill you or herself a father who isolates your own mother from you ,a father who puts fear in you and calls it love a father that is only around for your mother a toxic life for years and years scared to mess up but yea im fine :)