Notes to self

Good girl gone bad

4 years of indulging in drugs and alcohol toxic behaviors killing myself slowly the only times I write is when I feel incredibly lonely stuck by myself all the people I have met over the years and none of them have been the same as me 4 years of taking molly ectacy Xanax smoking weed and forgetting about my existence  waiting for my friends to tell me to stop killing my self while they are killing themselves too  romanizing of drugs and toxic relationships are cool till you actually experience it I though I was missing out on the good life so while chasing that life I destroyed the girl who had dreams and passions and hobbies being surround by people who could care less about my well being unless it befitted them they would tell you different but I could be taking Xanax everyday to forget my problems and the only question they would ask is do you have more ? Not a care in their mind about why I was wanting to do drugs everyday but I guess it's my fault for being so closed  in my thoughts and never sharing but I know they didn't actually care  they just needed something to talk about or something to waste time . Almost 2 years of a toxic relationship being told we needed each-other when that was so far from the truth he needed me  nobody was gonna tell me to leave fuck mabey they did  but how am I suppose to listen to people who don't practice what they preach mabey this is all my fault all my problems I knew better but I still indulged I don't know what I'm saying anymore my brain gets all confused trying to think of this stuff when really there is nobody to blame  ugh I can't even write anymore what is happening to me I've been almost drug free for a month of all drugs it might be short lived but I've lost everything I have nothing except myself and a lot of crazy thoughts I feel as if nobody actually knows me truly nobody deserves it everyone is so translucent to me so easy to read I keep everything to myself because there is no reason to share real information about myself to people who are gonna forget about it the next day I don't lie but I don't tell everything just stupid little details I've never met somebody with the same vibrations as and if I have they always change but me I remain the same I know I just have to wait for them to switch up whether it's a year or months it always happens with every human being humans are just fucking sad but I guess the humans I have been hanging with for the last 4 years all do drugs and gang related stuff  and have stupid dreams. Who am I to call somebody else's dream stupid at least they have dreams  I feel to smart for my own good it ruins me or Mabey I just overthink everting but it's a logical overthinking so how could I be wrong I'm gonna stop writing tho cause I keep jumping around and not having a specific topic