Notes to self

Oh the places ill go

I dont know where to start my mind is just as confused as my heart I know thats gay but I let you in and this is what you did this is how you let it end even though im the one who ended it see you never cared if it ended and thats what bothered me even after I showed you I would be here for you through thick and thin you still didnt let me in and at this point and cant tell if thats just really who you are a heartless emotionless bastard or if you are just trying to protect what you have left you have of your heart Im writing this because I miss you ironically enough even through all your bad you had some good qualitys lmao thats why I was and still a so reluctant to let you go believe it or not you kinda made me happy you kinda met me when I was at a really shitty place in life and idk idk why I choose you im stuck between I used you to forget about everything that was happening in my life or you saved me from everything that was happening in my life what we had was never real we both just needed each other to forget about what was going on in life a distraction and if you dont feel the same way I am truly sorry for using you I didnt realize it maybe thats why it didnt work out cause it wasnt you it was me you were never what I actually wanted u just compromised with you cause I felt like none else wanted me and for that I am truly sorry but honestly I dont think you had feelings for me either I might be wrong but its not like you will ever tell me I have a better chance answering your question than you always just said idk or to stopping asking stupid ass questions but you never gave me answers so I just questioned it even more but maybe that was your answer and thats just not the answer I wanted I never through that I would have to get over a guy I though with me any relationship would be perfect cause I would be perfect but turns out im not perfect and I make mistakes too. But you added a lot to my personal growth you helped me see things from myself and it was very interesting how I reacted turns out I get jealous I rage I through fits even as a young adult im not perfect human basically you brought out all the negative emotion out of me that I though had died even though it sounds strange I thank you for that cause I needed it cause Im not complete without all of my emotions even anger it gonna be a long journey trying to figure out where to go after this but oh the places ill go trying to figure it out im ready for the world and more im ready to self-discover Places out there I'll miss you but it's time to let go it's been too long so in your honor I'll light a blunt let it all go oh the places that I'm gonna go

I wrote this months ago strangely enough I feel the same but different I don't feel as if I used him to feel better and I didn't compromise I choose to stay with him because he was worth it all his infidelities ? idk how to spell it but those don't matter to me at the end of the day now what he is back in my life again idk how to feel about him its strange when we aren't "together" it seems I know exactly how I feel about him but when im with him even around him I forget everything that has ever gone wrong between us I just want..... idk that's my problem idk what I want do I want a relationship? not exactly is this normal to be a 17 girl and not know wtf you want from a boy like I don't like labels but ya know if I had to put a label on it we would be fwbf and that label doesn't sit right with me maybe because society's standards maybe because of my standards idk but dating is like a lot of commitment and im sorry but I cant commit idk why its not as easy as they make it sound I guess I just hate not being able to do things publicly without labeling it also ps that boy really knows how to get on my fucking nerves