Your Love is Unkind

Freedom

I stayed silent, how do you respond?

Subin waits for a response and I force myself to utter a simple "yeah".

He could tell I was a bit confused and embarrassed and let's out an "awwww." But I didn't want his "awww's", or any of his pity. I really just wanted to be swallowed by the earth. Plan B was to turn around and runaway, but just as I found the courage to leave, Subin leans in to hug me.

I thought I wanted the hug, but at the moment I was a little numb.

"It's okay, really," He adds in a sad attempt to cheer me up. But what he would do next, shook me to my core.

Even though the hug had ended, Subin had remained so close to my body I could feel his heartbeat. "I'm gay too," He whispers into my ear, what I already knew to be true and his lips meet mine.

The friction sends waves of heat through me and I tried to concentrate on keeping my hands off his perfect frame. I didn't want him to know how much I needed him. I  gave him just enough to know he was wanted. His kiss was delicate, but not innocent at all.   He delivers one last peck and pulls himself out of my grip.

"See," He announces proudly. And continues to walk ahead of me and drags me alongside him. My hands now feel sweaty, and  I can't help but hide the ugliest smile. I mean ugly because I don't think i've ever smiled that hard in my life.

This was the first time I had ever kissed a boy and a boy had kissed me back. The first time anyone had said out loud that I was gay. The first time I felt free to be myself, yet I wasn't free anymore. From then on my freedom was his, and my all thoughts belonged to Subin. And for a long time I wondered,  If would be free again.