If You Love Me

Chapter 2

All I really remembered was the feeling of tears dripping on my skin. Tears that weren't mine. They were accompanied by words I hear every time: "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it. I love you so much." Those are what he always says. Now, as I lay in my bed dreading the time I will need to get up, I want to laugh at them. These moments in the aftermath make me want to see things clearly. They make me want to admit to myself what is happening and why I'm allowing it to go on.

That's when I start to hate myself. I hate how cowardly I am. I hate how vulnerable I let myself be. My heart breaks when I start to wonder if maybe I should try to leave him before it's too late. Then I start to think that, maybe, it's already too late. Who would want me? No one besides him could love me. With him gone, I would only be alone. He tells me that all the time, too. It's true.

I looked at my bedside clock. It was nearly an hour before I really needed to get up, but I couldn't take being in bed. My thoughts were beyond muddied and I needed to do something before they took over. Once they took over, I'd be done. I wouldn't be able to leave my bed.

Careful to not wake Sara, I gathered my shower things, changed into a robe, and crept out. There was no need for her to get up this early. No one else seemed to be up either, I noticed. I quietly padded to the shared showers and went in. Checking to make sure I was actually alone, I disrobed and checked the damage in the mirror.

Both of my eyes were black and slightly swollen. The handprints on my neck were even darker than they were yesterday. My upper arm was beginning to fade, but it still hurt. As my eyes traveled down, I saw too many bruises to keep track of. My image blurred as I silently took it all in.

I tried to grab my things but my hands were shaking. All of me was shaking. I barely managed to make it into a stall before someone else came in. I turned on the water, gasping when the icy cold water hit me. I felt my tears begin to fall, and once they started, they didn't want to stop. I slid down to the shower floor and cried. Eventually I stopped feeling the cold, and eventually I ran out of tears. The sound of the door closing again pulled me out of my head. Mine was the only shower in use, which meant I'd been there nearly half an hour.

It was time to pull myself together. I couldn't stay on this floor feeling sorry for myself. As I stood, I could feel every place he hit me the day before. Surely he heard me turn Louis down. Still, he insisted that I was going to leave him. He just knew I was going to accept his offer.

I turned the water hot and forced myself to not move or make a sound. The heat would help with the stiffness, I knew. I forced myself to hurry and actually shower so I could get out of there. As it turned out, it wasn't helping me actually get out of my head. Instead, I could feel myself getting farther and farther in.

When I got back, Sara was already up. She took one look at me and I could tell she was repulsed. I felt my face flush and I looked at the floor. I waited for her to leave before getting dressed. When I looked in the mirror and saw the extent of the bruising once more, I knew trying to hide it would be futile. There simply was no way I could. I put on jeans and an old tee I'd gotten from Josh and flopped on my bed.

Memories from the night before began playing, and I forced myself to get up. It was hard enough going to face my classmates with everything so exposed like this. I couldn't allow myself to wallow in how the marks got there.

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"Oh my God," I heard Kolleen say next to me.

"I don't want to talk about it right now," I said. I sighed and turned towards her dorm. "Let's just go to your room and you can lecture me all you want." I began walking and, as I had all day, I felt the people all turn to look at me. I felt so small all day. Eating lunch with Josh only made it worse. He kept waiting on me and treating me like a princess. It was the first time he'd done that. Maybe he really felt bad, but all the people that noticed kept giving us looks.