If You Love Me

Chapter 15

During my sophomore year I was asked out by a guy. At the time, I liked Josh and I didn't want to be with anyone else. I told the guy I wasn't interested and he wanted me to tell him why. He listened to me and I was relieved that he wasn't upset. There was no denying the fact he still liked me, but things weren't all that awkward. We had our moments where we weren't sure how to interact because I didn't want him to read into anything and get the wrong idea, but despite that, we were fine.

When Josh and I realized our feelings were mutual, things were different. There was nothing drastic, but it was more the air around us had changed. I'm not so sure about him, but for me it felt more like we'd been dancing around those words for a long time before we finally acknowledged them.

Devin wasn't like either of them. Something about him felt comfortable and made me feel like he cared for and about me. I felt wanted and, sometimes, needed. Like I made him happy just by being there. The air between us at the courthouse felt like it changed. It was full of unsaid words and colored by feelings neither of us seemed to be ready to name just yet.

After that day, though, I had a name for mine and that terrified me. I wanted to be friends with him, but I also had feelings for him. As hard as I knew it would be, I was determined to be just friends. That's what I needed.

The morning after that was the first time in nearly three weeks that I didn't get a text either inviting us to Devin's place or just asking if I was okay. I laid in bed, staring at my phone, willing a text I somehow knew wasn't coming to arrive.

I opened my conversation with Devin and typed several messages before deleting them and ultimately closing the app. It felt too weird to text him. He'd always been the one to take the initiative. But what if he wanted me to text first? I sighed and opened the conversation again. I typed a message and this time I sent it. Good morning. It was a simple message and I didn't expect an answer.

Kolleen was making noise in her room, so I figured I had to get up myself. While I was getting ready, my phone dinged. I checked it and found a text from Devin. Morning. Sorry I'm in a hurry this morning. I'm covering an early shift for a guy whose wife just went into labor. Want me to come over tonight? I can cook dinner for the three of us.

I smiled. He was so nice. Sure. I'm not going to get back until five, but Kolleen will be here after three.

Sounds good. I should get there around the same time as you.

I sent him back a smiley emoji and finished getting ready. It was surprising how relieved I felt now that he'd texted me. In my heart, I knew that Kolleen was right. I was feeling something beyond what I was able to admit to myself. While that scared me, I was more scared of what Devin was going to tell me. If Kolleen was right, then I wasn't sure what to do.

In spite of myself, I thought about his visit the rest of the day. By the time I was getting into Kolleen's car I wasn't sure if I was excited for or dreading his visit. I couldn't wait to see him because it made me happy, but I was worried those words would be said. I wasn't sure what they would be, and I wasn't sure how I would feel when I knew.

When I got home, I found Kolleen standing in our tiny kitchen with Devin, laughing at something. It was a sobering reminder of how cute they looked together and that she was probably much better for him. As it was, she didn't have trauma or anything holding her back from having a perfectly normal relationship with an amazing guy most girls would kill to have.

My heart squeezed painfully at the thought. Kolleen glanced at me. "Hey, Jes," she said. "Devin was just-" She squinted at me. "Hey, you okay? You look a little pale." Devin leaned back slightly to see me better.