If You Love Me

Chapter 18

"You're right," Devin said in a small, sad voice. "I should have been more open and honest about things. I shouldn't have told you not to go anywhere without giving you a reason. I'm sorry."

Sorry. It was a phrase I'd heard so many times that it had lost all meaning for me. I wanted to accept it. I really wanted to. But... I just...

I shook my head as the tears began to fall. "I don't trust you right now, Devin. I can't accept that."

"Is there any way I can earn your trust?"

I wiped my face. "If I tell you, it won't do any good, now will it? Spend time with me. Prove that you're worthy of my trust. I'll let you know when you've earned it."

He rubbed his eyes. "Okay." We fell into another tense silence. Words filled the air around us, but none of them were ones we felt we could say.

After a few minutes, I opened my backpack and pulled out some homework. Devin watched me as I began to work on it. "You can play games if you want to stay," I said quietly.

"I'd rather cook, actually. Is that okay?"

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Knock yourself out. I don't have money to buy anything, so unless you're going to go get it, you'll have to make do with what we have."

"Okay, got it."

By the time Kolleen walked through the door, the smell of dinner had filled the apartment. A little bit of surprise flickered across her face before settling on an easy smile. "Devin," she said. "Didn't think I'd see you here. Especially not in our kitchen."

He gave her a forced smile. "Well, I just happened to be here today, so I just thought I'd make something for you guys."

Her brow furrowed. "You're not staying?"

He glanced at me and I shrunk down in my seat a little bit. "I'm not sure."

"Why would I run you off?" I asked quietly. "I want you to stay." I wanted him to prove I could trust him, and I knew the only way he could do that was by sticking around. Besides, there was a small part of me that didn't want to be apart from him. Having him around was almost soothing.

"Then I'm staying." I felt Kolleen's eyes on me, but I focused on the notebook I was writing in. The door to her room clicked shut and the chair by me creaked. I looked up to find Devin sitting there. "Jessie, I'm really sorry about what I did."

I sighed and played with my pen. "That word has lost all meaning to me, you know? After these past few weeks, I can't believe that you mean it. Get me to trust you, then I'll believe your words." I sat the pen down and looked him in the eyes. "But if you ever do that to me again, there will be no more attempts to build my trust. You won't get a second chance. I've been told sorry and then had the same mistake done to me way too many times to let something like that slide."

He swallowed. "Understood."

---

While I had many things I wish I'd had the nerve to tell Josh, in the end, I was too scared of him to say any of it. Even though I regretted some of the words I'd exchanged with Devin, I wasn't going to try to take them back. I knew better than most that, once said, words do unrepairable damage. They can even lodge themselves inside your skin and work their way into your mind and heart where they gouge you and make scars no one else can see. Sometimes, they won't go away. They stay there, cutting and scraping until there's only a hole. Time can smooth their edges inside the empty places, making the pain less noticeable, but not until after the damage has been thoroughly done.