If You Love Me

Chapter 19

That night, when Devin hugged me, I wasn't surprised by the action. What did surprise me was that I felt that hug for a long time after it happened. I could still feel him rubbing my arm and holding my hand. I could even feel his breath on my ear as he told me thank you. It felt like it was burned into my brain. No matter what I did, more than anything else, my mind kept circling back to that hug.

It was warm. It made me feel safe.

I wanted him to hug me again. And again. And again.

I wanted that so much that I almost wanted to cry.

Was this how love was supposed to feel?

Before I went to class the next day, I already knew how it would go. I was a mess. When I got home, Devin was already there, playing a video game in the living room while Kolleen, I suspected, was in her room. I blushed immediately from a sense of guilt. After all, I'd been unable to think of anything other than him since the night before.

The rest of the night he was there, I kept having the same feeling of guilt. I kept remembering how it had felt and then every time our hands accidentally touched, my heart beat a little harder. If I hadn't already admitted to myself how I felt, I would have been terrified.

At the end of the night, Devin said he wouldn't come the next day and I felt relieved. That only made me feel worse, though. Why was I relieved he wouldn't come? I had wanted to see him.

The next day was Saturday, so Kolleen and I had planned to get ahead on our homework since it would just be us. It had become a rare thing to only have the two of us in the apartment. If you ask me, that wasn't exactly a bad thing. We'd moved out of the dorms for privacy, true, but we loved having Devin over.

We spent the entire morning with the only sound coming from our laptops. By lunchtime we were tired of working. I knew we would be. Neither of us really cared to work much in the morning.

Kolleen abruptly stood. "I'm going to the store. I have to take a break."

"Okay," I said with a nod. "I don't feel like going anywhere, so I'll stay here."

"Suit yourself," she said as she put on her coat by the door.

After she left, I took a deep breath. Alone for once. I leaned back and closed my eyes. As expected, my thoughts went to Devin.

I wasn't sure how long I'd sat there. All I knew was that at some point I was startled by a knock on the door. When I answered, I found Devin. I smiled at him and stepped aside. "Come on in," I said. "I thought you said you weren't coming today."

He stepped inside and turned to me. "Turns out I wasn't needed at work. Kolleen here?"

I leaned my back against the door. "No, she went to the store. Why? What's up?"

He nodded and took off his coat. "I wanted to talk to you about a couple of things and I wanted some privacy is all."

I raised my eyebrows, trying to cover up the fact my heart was beating a little faster. "Well, I don't know when she'll be back, so you may not have much time."

He nodded. "First, I want to tell you about my mom and dad. My dad left when I was 12. He abused my mom and I was glad he's gone. Sometimes I miss having a dad since my mom never dated anyone else, but she's been dealing with the aftermath of more than 15 years' worth of abuse. That's who I tell you about all the time. Her past has helped me support you like I have. Second, I hate people like my dad and Josh. My father was the reason I became a cop. I thanked God when I realized Mom would finally be free of that man, and when I found out what Josh had put you through, my fellow officers had to hold me back from going to his holding cell and beating him like he'd beaten you."