If You Love Me

Chapter 12

The first time I fell in love, I knew right away. It was a feeling that seemed to bubble out of my chest and invade my brain to the point all I could think about was that person and how much I cared for him. I had a hard time keeping it under wraps and ended up never telling him anything.

When I fell for Josh, it was different. It felt more like I cared for him and, naturally, I eventually began to want more things from him. His time, attention, affection, and, most of all, love. I wanted him to treat me like I was special. I wanted to feel loved and cared for. I wanted to be able to look at him and feel the adoration radiate off of him when he met my eyes.

Devin was something else altogether. Despite Kolleen telling me I liked him, I had a lot of doubts about it because nothing I felt before matched up. What I felt wasn't something that started with me caring for him or a feeling in my chest that intoxicated my thoughts with him. It was more that I felt cared for. He made me feel like he wanted to take care of me.

That was the only certain feeling I had.

Other than that, all I felt was unsettled, but not entirely in bad way.

It was a few minutes after seven when Kolleen knocked on Devin's door. Even though I'd tried to prepare myself mentally, I felt all the uncertainty come flooding back. How should I act? Kolleen had told me to be myself, but I couldn't remember what that was like. It'd been a long time. What if I was actually boring?

Kolleen elbowed me. "Calm down," she hissed.

Before I could respond, Devin opened the door. The smell of pancakes wafted out of the apartment. My jaw dropped a little bit. He made pancakes? Guys did that?

"Good morning!" he said excitedly. "Come in, come in." He walked away, leaving the door open. "Sorry, but I don't want the pancake I'm cooking to burn."

I followed Kolleen in and closed the door behind us. A pile of steaming pancakes sat on a plate on the stove. Devin flipped the one in the pan and it gave off a faint sizzle. I walked up next to him. "Where did you learn to make pancakes?" I asked.

He smiled at me. "I learned how for my mom. It was just the two of us for years after my dad left. One of her favorite foods was pancakes. I loved surprising her from time to time." He grinned down at the stack as he added the one he just finished. "Since I hadn't made them in a long time, I was kind of worried I'd forgotten how."

"You don't make them for your mom anymore?" I glanced around.

"Not since I moved out. Probably a year ago now? A year or close to it." He glanced up at me with a small and warm smile.

It felt like we were having a Moment. I felt a warmth in my chest that I hadn't felt with him before. There was something in his look that made me think I wasn't alone in that. The longer we looked into each other's eyes, the stronger the feeling became.

And the more fear I felt.

I looked away first, turning so my back was against the counter. Kolleen was fiddling with her phone, just glancing at us. "You moved in here after college?"

"Yeah. I graduated and moved here out of the dorms." The pan sizzled some more as he poured in more batter. "It was actually pretty weird at first. I'd forgotten what it was like to be in my own space, but it was even more weird to be alone."

"I know what you mean about having your own space. We spent a year and some in the dorms. It's so much better being in our own apartment like this."

He nodded before glancing over his shoulder again at Kolleen, who was making it a point to stare at her phone. I could tell she was trying really hard to not watch us. So hard, in fact, that her screen was black. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. "Hey, Kolleen, right?" Devin asked.