Eternal Blitz

20. Grave Endings

𝐁𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐳

Emotional doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling. Waking up to Blaze was and is the best part of my day but even that wasn't enough. I can sit here and lie, act like I'm okay, and fuck my problems away like I always do but I'd still be empty. I'd still feel like that shell of a person I have always been and try to hide behind this facade I factor into myself.

Family is everything to me and even if it wasn't the best, the fucked-up relationships that I had were my own and now they are worth nothing. My mom may have hated me but even that doesn't make me love her any less. The love she gave was fake but even now it feels as real as ever. She may not have wanted me, but I wanted her. I wanted acceptance and love, but I know I'll never get it.

I can cry my eyes out for what I've lost but it won't bring it back.

I can't force someone to stop loving me, but I can force myself to stop loving them even if it takes everything out of me because her love may have been temporary but mine never was.

I turn my head and catch a glance of a broken tree limb. We pass by so fast that it's gone the second I spot it and I can't help but look back following it until it's fully out of view.

The closer we get to the cemetery the more my surroundings become evident. I haven't been here since she died too afraid to bare it alone. My last experience broke me, and I can only hope to stay this time.

"Are you ready?" Blaze grips my hand as we pull into the empty parking lot.

"No." My anxiety has been washed away replaced with sadness and anger. Sadness that I have to talk to a headstone and anger for being lied to for years.

I walk away from the car closing the door and step on the stone path that leads to her plot. My eyes follow the headstones until I meet a tree. A Cypress sits over Kelsey's grave with a wooden bench placed directly in front of her.

I take a seat and stare. Nothing. That's all I can find inside of myself as I try to form words. Coming here I knew exactly what I wanted to say but now I have nothing. Something about talking to a headstone just seems so final, so depressing.

I'm so overwhelmed with emotions as I let my eyes drift to the dates engraved. It almost doesn't seem real and maybe it isn't, but my reality has always been more of a dream, a nightmare. That's what I tell myself when I wish it was. Maybe if this were a dream, I could stop myself from crying.

I don't want to, but I feel like I have to. Maybe crying will lessen the hurt somehow, help me to not miss her so much but then I remember her absence. She's been dead for over a year and it still hasn't gotten any easier.

"I don't know what say." I whisper, tears burning my eyes as I hold my breath not ready to give in just yet.

"Speak from your heart."

I shake my head and bite my lip. My heart clenching as I come to terms with what's about to happen. "My heart hurts too much."

"Then let go of the hurt."

He makes it sound so easy.

How do you just let go?

How do people do this?

How do they make it look so easy when all they can feel is the burning pain of a loss that's carved itself onto their heart?

Looking back to Blaze he nods his head and I take a breath slowly rising from the bench and stand over her headstone. I bend down slipping my fingers over the smooth stone and close my eyes as the cool surface drowns my fingertips in sorrow.