Alternative

October 5, 2008 at 1:03PM

I hadn't spoken to Beth since we'd kissed but she'd scheduled rehearsals for the next two nights in a row because the talent show was coming up. I'd listened to the other songs she sent me, but she said we should probably just focus on the ones that everyone else knew for now.

Alex asked me if I wanted to grab some food before rehearsal; there was this fried chicken restaurant near Beth's house that he wanted to try.

"There's something different about you," he says, at the restaurant.

He looks at me carefully, trying to figure out what the difference was exactly.

"What?"

I hate how perceptive he is.

"I don't know. Just like a new spark in your eyes or whatever. Like you know something good is coming your way."

"Maybe I just really like fried chicken."

"Yeah, that's probably it." Alex chuckles. "Love this shit."

Beth is all business when she answers the door. We had a narrow window for rehearsal because her parents were having some guests over at nine and they worried that the sound of our band's music could be disturbing or upsetting or triggering. I forget which word they used.  

We play through the songs we already know. I notice Beth isn't really looking at me. I try to stay focused on the music, on playing my sections properly, but I keep wondering why she isn't looking at me. Trying to establish eye contact with her, check in, make sure everything's cool with us. Not working.

I know we have to keep the band and whatever's going on with the two of us separate, but I want to know what she's thinking. When everyone takes a bathroom break, I follow her upstairs.

"How's everything going?"

"Fine."

She looks like she's in a hurry.

"I think we'll be ready for the show next week," she adds.

It feels like nothing's ever happened with us, like we're just two people in the same band.

"Yeah, I think so too."

I turn around, go back downstairs and avoid speaking to her for the rest of the night.

We have rehearsal again the next night.

This time I do catch her looking in my direction a couple of times, but I think it's just to make sure I'm following along with the songs. I'm not as focused on my guitar parts. It seems like she was shutting me out. Can't get that off my mind. Can't concentrate.

Alex is generally perceptive, but he doesn't seem to notice anything during rehearsal. He's having a ball, high-fiving each of us after every song. He makes Beth chuckle a couple times when he high-fives her. I feel a little sting of jealousy each time.

How did she see me? Did I mean anything to her? Was I just a footnote? A quiet, forgettable dude who kissed her for a second once on a streetcar?