Alternative

December 13, 2008 at 7:01PM

Beth decided to take the rest of the semester off to spend time with her dad. She didn't have the capacity to go to school anymore. The amount of crying was starting to subside and most of the time she actually seemed fairly calm. Maybe too calm, like that spark had withered or something; life no longer had the same possibility for her. It made sense, but it also sucked. She was so alive before all this happened. I wondered if she'd ever get to feel that way again.

I asked her if the therapist she saw was helping at all, but she told me she decided to stop seeing him; she was taking a break because it was easier to "just not talk about it right now."

Their house was grim; Beth said that everything reminded her of Amanda. Being there also seemed to hurt John. Soon he got the idea to sell, to move somewhere smaller, more practical. They no longer needed that space. It wasn't good for them.

I helped them move into their new apartment. It was in a decent neighbourhood, but it was tiny. And there was a cold, impersonal feeling to it, nothing like the home they lived in—more like a hotel you stay in when you're passing through some small town in the middle of nowhere. I could tell Beth hated it. After moving all the stuff in there, neither of us were eager to hang around any longer. 

She turns to me.

"Do you want to go to your parent's house?" she asks.

"Sure," I say.

"Would that be cool with them?"

"Yeah, my mom actually has been wanting to meet you."

"Oh cool, you haven't mentioned her much."

"I know... yeah, she's pretty cool, I guess"

"Cool."

"I'll call her, maybe we can have dinner there tonight."

"Sounds good."

Mom made lasagna and got a bottle of wine for us to drink. Apparently, she was okay with me drinking. Dad was late getting back from a bike trip, so we started without him.

"To finally meeting you, Beth," Mom says, raising her glass.

She smiles awkwardly back at Mom, "Nice to meet you as well. And thanks for having me."

The first half of dinner was a lot of get to-know-you, job-interview type questions. Mom was clearly impressed with Beth.

She said that I was "lucky to have found a girl like her." I could tell Beth didn't know how to process the focused attention and praise she was getting.

Eventually we got around to talking about Amanda, which I knew was inevitable.

"So, when did you first notice something was wrong?" Mom asks.

Beth's eyes go down. "She was tired all the time, I guess. Taking naps. But she brushed it off. She was always really tough about getting the flu and stuff."

"For it to happen so quickly... it's just unbelievable."

"Yeah, well..."

I don't want Beth to be forced into having this conversation, but I don't know how to stop it.

"I don't know if Tim mentioned but I also lost my mom when I was just a couple years older than you."

"I didn't know that, I'm sorry," Beth says.

I feel kind of guilty for not mentioning that; now seems like an oversight.

"Thank you. It was a long time ago, but you know... those wounds never really go away."

That may be true. I'm not sure Beth really needs to hear it right now though.

"Yeah, I'll never get over it," Beth says. "I don't think I'll ever stop missing her."

"Of course," Mom says. "And you don't need to."

"I just wish I had more time... you know... I feel like I... I don't know."

Beth lowers her head.

"I'm sorry," she says.

"Don't be sorry," Mom replies. "What is it?"

"It's stupid I guess, but I just feel like I... let her down or something, like if I had more time, I could have shown her that I was... that I had more to offer."

"You can't think like that... I'm sure she adored you. You are clearly a kind, brilliant young woman. She must have been overjoyed to have you as a daughter."

Beth starts crying. Mom gets up and takes her in her arms. Super strange to witness, the two of them so close all of a sudden.

After dinner, Mom asks Beth if she wants to stay the night.

"You're welcome any time," she says. "Tim's brother is away at school, so we have a spare bedroom."

Beth looks at me for approval.

"Yeah, you should stay over," I say.

"I'll just call my dad."

When she gets off the phone, she tells us that her dad is fine with it. I can't imagine it being okay with him just a few months ago. Guess everything's different now.

"Great," Mom says. "I'll set up your room for you."

I feel this strange sensation when I'm getting ready for bed. My house suddenly seems foreign to me. I can't fully grasp the scope of what Beth is going through, but it seems like Mom can. I have this weird feeling like Beth lives here with my parents and I'm the guest instead of her.

I lie awake listening to the sounds of the house. Dad comes home eventually, and I hear Mom talk to him in the kitchen for a bit. I can't make out what they're saying. Twenty minutes later or so they go to bed and the house is totally quiet again.

I wonder if Beth has fallen asleep already.

A text from her:

You up?

I write a reply.

Yup.

The wooden floors creak, and she makes her way into my bed, sliding under the covers with me. We'd slept in the same bed at her house, but we were both fully clothed and on top of a blanket. Tonight, she's wearing one of my t-shirts and I'm in my boxer shorts.

She starts kissing me. Her face feels wet from tears.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

She responds, "Are you?"

"Yeah, I mean, if you are..."

She smiles at me and takes my shirt off. We fall into a weird kind of rhythm, our bodies finding each other slowly.

I'm really nervous and start trembling; she seems totally at ease.

"Do you want to?" she asks.

"Yeah... but are you sure you're okay?"

"You don't have to keep asking if I'm okay," she says with a smile. "I want to do this."

"Okay. Me too."

I reach into my drawer to find a condom. I'd taken a few from Ben's room a while back, just in case the opportunity ever arose.

When she's ready, we start. I don't really know what I'm doing. I guess neither does she. But it doesn't matter. We trust each other. I stop trembling and calm down, and it starts to feel like it's working. I can't believe how beautiful she is, how close to her I feel.

We finish, keep kissing each other, and drift off to sleep at some point.