April 8, 2009 at 6:31PM

3 0 0
                                    

My parents take me to The Mandarin for my 18th birthday. It's just me and them. No Beth. No Alex. No friends.

I'm anxious, I don't want to be here. I'd reached out to Beth and she'd basically just shut me out. I couldn't recognize the person who'd pushed her away.

But it was me. I was responsible. And I couldn't fix it.

None of it made any real sense. I was powerless. Stuck. Having Chinese buffet with my parents when all I wanted to do was see her, explain to her how I was wrong, how much I cared about her, how I'd do anything for another chance with her.

I get up from the table, pretending to get another plate of food. I'm not hungry though, I just have to walk.

"Can you get me some more bok choy?" Mom asks.

"Sure," I say.

I walk towards the buffet and close my eyes, willing a momentary retreat from reality. Maybe I've just imagined this whole year at Harvest. Maybe it's all just some kind of concussion dream-fantasy-nightmare.

Rounding a corner, I run into someone. My weight shifts, and I slip, bump the side of my head on the wall and slide down to the floor. I look up, dazed, and notice Alex staring down at me.

"Dude! You okay? What are you doing here?"

"Uh, hey. I'm having a birthday dinner."

"Huh. Jeez, thanks for the invite."

I run my hand over my head and Alex's expression shifts, noticing that I'm hurt. He helps me up.

"Sorry about that, dude."

"It's my fault, I wasn't looking where I was going."

I look around the room. I can't even spot which table I've come from.

"I'm just here with my parents, wasn't sure if you'd be around."

Terry approaches Alex and takes his arm.

"All good, buddy. We're actually catching an eight o'clock movie upstairs—but are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, totally. Go catch your movie."

"Alright, man. Well happy birthday, man. Sorry again about running into you!"

"No problem."

"Alright, take it easy brother."

I mumble, "thanks" and get up from the floor as the two of them walk away.

I look around the restaurant and can't remember why I got up in the first place. Why can't I remember this? I made the decision only like a minute ago. Had the blow to the head really been that bad? Was this a warning sign—a symptom I should be concerned about? Short-term memory loss?

I sit back down at the table and pretend as if nothing happened. My parents hate when I freak out about health stuff, when I worry about my head.

I can get through this. I just have to stop being such an infant. Power through.

"Did you get me some bok choy?" Mom asks.

"Sorry, I forgot."

(Because my brain was messed up)

It's pouring rain on the drive home. Streetlights coalesce.

My brain feels off. I can't think straight.

But I try leaning into it instead of being afraid.

My parents are talking over the radio. I can't hear them, can't pay attention to anything. I've lost my anchor to reality.

Back at home, in bed, I start feeling panicky. What if I'm stuck this way? What if this specific bump to the head compromised some key neurological structure and screwed me over for good? I'll never get through university. I'll definitely never get Beth back.

Who's going to want to be around me if I'm stuck like this?

Maybe I could survive being alone... get some shitty job somewhere where I'm invisible, live in a quiet, secluded place, read books and watch movies and live vicariously through the characters.

No, that won't work. Sometimes I really like being alone, but it just turns into prison after a while.

Desperate for sleep. Take a couple Advil. Crash. 

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