Alternative

October 9, 2008 at 8:00PM

Someone had hung Christmas lights above the stage, framing a huge Harvest banner with glitter and gold stars that looked like it belonged in an elementary school. But there's a pretty good turnout.

I look out at the audience and start to get a little nervous. Alex catapults me out of my nervous state with a big, joyful pat on the back.

"We going to rock out with our cocks out or what?"

"Oh. Sure..."

"So stoked, dude. Look at all these people. Here to see us! To see ME probably!"

"Definitely here to see you. Forget about the rest of the band or all of the other acts..."

"Time to shine, brother. Time to shine."

Whether it's his plan or not, he makes me forget about my nerves for a second.

He rubs his hands together, psyching himself up. "I'm going to go warm up in the bathroom, brother. You need anything?"

"All good."

Just as he leaves, I notice the art room door ajar and wander over, guitar in tow.

I suddenly have this feeling like I might run into Beth. 

And then there she is...

"Hi."

"Sorry, didn't mean to..."

"No, it's okay. Do you want to sit down?"

I want to keep it cool, not show her how much I care.

"Uh, sure."

"I'm, like, really nervous..."

She isn't lying; it's visible. Her hands are actually shaking.

"Do you get this nervous often?"

"Yeah, sometimes, I guess. I feel just sort of like the universe is closing in on me or something. Do you know what I mean?"

"I thought you were into the universe. Brief History of Time and all..."

"That's different," she says.

"Is this something you talk about with your therapist?" I ask.

"Yeah. I mean, it's a big reason why I'm there... my parents also thought I might be on the spectrum. Like autism... but the jury's still out on that one. I don't know why I'm telling you all this."

"I'm glad you're telling me," I say. "I get anxiety sometimes, too."

"Like that time when I ran into you on the stairwell and you had to leave school suddenly and your face was all red?" She has a half grin on her face as she says this. It seems to distract her from her own freak-out.

"Yeah," I say. "Like that time..."

Maybe what I was interpreting as Beth being standoffish might have had nothing to do with me.

"I just... what's wrong with me? Why did I want to do this?" she says. "It's a crazy thing to choose to do: perform in front of a bunch of people who are going to judge you. Criticize you."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Um, I don't know..."

She's trying to calm herself down, but she can't seem to.

"I don't know if this is weird, but could you hug me?" she asks.

I look at her and immediately feel this surge of confidence.

"Yeah, I can do that."

I wrap my arms around her; she holds on tightly. Breathing slowly deepens.

"Thank you," she says.

I look at her and smile. "You're welcome."

It feels like we might kiss again but before we have a chance, Alex steps in. It takes him a second to process what's going on.

"Hey guys, they're ready for us," he says.

Beth gets up quickly and races out the door. I get up too and move towards Alex. He pats me on the back again and gives me a wide grin. If he suspects anything was going on between us, I can't tell.

The mysterious lighting crew went all out for this tiny talent show. It's so bright on the stage that I can barely make out the audience; but it looks like the whole school is here, along with what I assume is a bunch of friends and family.

Alex clicks his drumsticks together four times and I start playing the opening riffs of To the End of Time.

I probably look like some wannabe rock star, but I feel kind of cool. 

Beth stands right next to me and watches me play the opening riff. She looks like she's absorbing the sound waves, lifting her up for the performance.

When she starts singing, she's magnetic, so beyond what she's shown in rehearsals. She moves around the stage like she owns it, puts everything she has into her voice, and has total control over it. It sounds intense, emotional, primal... incredibly cool.

As we continue to play, I stop thinking about myself up on stage and focus entirely on her: this beautiful, strange person... with so much to offer, baring her soul for a room full of people who are lucky enough to witness someone so unique and alive and complicated.

I realize it probably looks like I'm just full on staring. She catches me staring out of the corner of her eye and I think I notice a little smile come from her. I avert my eyes and make eye contact with Alex who's grooving hard on the drums—grooving like nobody's business. I smile and look down at my guitar. We're rising to the climax of the song. I close my eyes.

There's nothing wrong. This is pure. I could live inside this moment for the rest of my life.