Alternative

October 28, 2008 at 4:39PM

Last few days have been bitter.

On the streetcar, sitting on the edge of my seat, my knees graze the metal in front of me. Cold outside, window stuck. The breeze stings and tears find their way into my eyes. Not the tears of cold air but tears accompanied by a heavy sigh, exhaustion, and the realization that most of what I actually accomplish is just hurting people. 

Stop crying, you idiot. Boo hoo. Poor me.

Beth and I haven't really been talking. She said things with her mom were getting worse. The initial fights had blossomed into full-on screaming matches. I assume it just isn't a good time for us considering all that, so I'm not texting her or trying to see her outside of class. I figure it must be hard for her to even leave the house if not for school or church.

I haven't told her about Alex yet, what happened with us. I don't really know how to explain it. I also wonder if Alex would want me to tell her about what happened; if he'd want her knowing that he likes her. He and I aren't talking so I can't really ask. We were supposed to have a band practice this Saturday. Beth cancelled.

So, a wide open weekend. What to do, what to do, what to do...

This would normally excite me, but it just feels like this enormous burden. All this time I have to somehow fill.

When I get home, Mom is just getting off the phone with Dominos and asks me if I want to rent a movie. Movies and pizza had been a Friday night tradition for years, but we hadn't done it in a while.

"Yeah sure," I say.

I don't have a good excuse to say no, and it sounds like a solid distraction. Dad's out of town visiting his brother, and I guess Mom's bored, also has nothing to do.

"Great, let's go now." she says.

She seems in good spirits at the video store. The clerk recommends this British drama that was nominated for a bunch of awards. We roam around looking for other movies to rent.

"How's school going these days?" she asks.

Despite my mark on that Earth Science test, I'm actually doing okay in my other classes. I think because school mattered to Beth and her parents, I'd been a little more motivated recently.

"Not terrible," I respond. "I got an 80 on my English paper and I had a history test that I actually did better than I thought I would on."

"That's great," she says. "If you can keep things in the A- range, getting into university will be no problem for you."

"Yeah."

"Are you happier these days?" she asks. "You're looking better, healthier..."

"I don't know..."

"You've made friends at Harvest?"

"Kind of."

"There's a girl you're going out with, isn't there?"

How could she possibly know this?

"Uh, sort of."

She smirks.

"How'd you know?" I ask.

"You're my son. I know you a lot better than you think... I'm glad to see you're happy."

"Thanks."

I turned away from her.

"Tim? What?"

"Nothing."

I needed to be an adult; I needed to be able to handle my emotions, to work through whatever was challenging. Life was challenging... and the people who couldn't handle it were losers.

"Did something happen with this girl?"

"No. It's just... a weird thing with a friend who also liked her."

"He'll get over it..."

"Thanks," I said.

Why am I like this? Why am I getting emotional? 

Just tired, I guess.