Alternative

October 17, 2008 at 1:03PM

Beth and I have been sort of awkward around each other at school. I guess neither of us really understand what the rules in public are.

Vincenzo's talking about King Lear and the cost of Cordelia's honesty. 

Pay attention. Pay attention. Pay attention.

Beth is withdrawing into herself, her mind bolting to some unknown place. I try making eye contact to check in, but she's just keeping her head down.

Alex is secretly rocking out to some music on the earbud he managed to conceal beneath his hood. Need to figure out a way to tell him about me and Beth.

Going to talk to her after class, find out what's up.

Post class:

"Do you want to hang out tonight?"

"I don't know if I can tonight, maybe we could take the streetcar together and talk?"

I suddenly feel panicky, wondering if this meant the end.

My panic quickly dissipates when she starts talking about her mom. Apparently, they had a big fight the previous night and she's grounded. The confrontation sprung from Amanda telling Beth that she was growing up too fast, that she wasn't as respectful as she used to be. It sounded like her mom was treating her like some out-of-control delinquent or something, which didn't make any sense to me.

"She said that I was turning into this person that she didn't recognize. Like I was always in a hurry, always had something else on my mind. And that I was selfish and wasn't considering her feelings."

"You weren't considering your mom's feelings?"

"Yeah. She wants me to be honest with her, but when she doesn't like what I say, she gets mad."

"Yeah, I know what that feels like..."

"I think she's also upset because I don't talk much about you, about what's going on with us. I mean, they met you... I thought that would be enough for them."

"Right."

"Last night she kept going on and on about... uh... like... sex before marriage, how it's this evil thing... and how if I, if we... started doing... that... they might be forced to kick me out of the house."

It was weird to hear her talk about that. I was definitely curious about it; just assumed we wouldn't be ready for a while.

"Do you think it's evil before marriage?"

"No, not necessarily..."

"Right." 

"The thing is she can be so... judgmental sometimes. Like I feel like I'm always just one comment away from her not liking me anymore. Or from kicking me out of the house or whatever. And I just feel guilty all the time. Like I'm always doing something wrong. And then that just makes me nervous around her... because I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I don't want to screw up."

I feel this weird sensation when she's saying this, like deja vu or something. Not quite that. But something like that. 

"Yeah. It makes sense I think," I say.

"But I hate being like that. I don't want to be doubting myself all the time, questioning everything that comes into my mind. I feel like it'll just 'stifle' me. Or whatever. Am I using that word correctly?"

"I think so..." I say. I actually can't remember right now. 

I don't think I had totally settled her, but she seems to move on from the subject. 

Something about it sticks in the back of my mind though, gives me a weird, uneasy feeling I can't shake.