Alternative

December 26, 2008 at 10:17AM

Beth has practically lived at my parent's house over the winter break. She was even over on Christmas day.

She knitted hats for each of us. Mom was so impressed. They looked so professional. So detailed.

I keep thinking about John, how he's coping, especially with Beth being away all the time. She and Mom have become weirdly close; they make plans together, some of which don't even involve me. Who's spending time with John? Should I call him? What would we do together?

Ben's home for Christmas, but we don't hang out or talk really. He has a lot of friends from high school that he hasn't seen in a while and spends most of his time with them.

He said he thought Beth was cute and congratulated me on actually finding a girlfriend. I told him to get bent and left it at that.

I've been spending time with Alex again. He invited me to play poker with Chris and Terry and a couple of the other friends he'd made recently at school. I usually left the game with no money, feeling like a sap. But I was being social, doing something... that felt good.

Lately I've been coming home to see Mom and Beth talking at the kitchen table over a pot of tea. It's strange but sometimes they barely notice me come in. Part of me wonders if Beth feels like she can't really talk to me about what she's going through, not on a deep level anyway. I know Mom has been through it too, so maybe she's better equipped or whatever, but I really want to understand. I want to be useful. Maybe I just need a little help or guidance. I don't like feeling like I'm being written off, like I'm beyond even trying to explain something to.

I catch myself when I start thinking this way, remember that what matters is Beth feeling supported, like she isn't alone... and if Mom is the one helping her through this, then why not? As long as she's getting through it. As long as she's getting the support she needs.

And it's not like I'm completely useless; I'm still there for her. I hold her when she cries herself to sleep, or when she wakes up in tears after dreaming about her mom, coming back to a reality that doesn't include her. I sit in silence with her when she starts thinking about Amanda and match her energy when she happens to be in a good mood.

We have good times together, too. It's best when it's just the two of us, eating out or at a movie or taking Hank for a walk in the snow. We've been skating a few times. She loves watching me on the ice because I'm good. I help her get better. Sometimes I can make her laugh or say something semi-original or thoughtful that makes her pause and reflect. She'll look at me like she did when we first started dating.

But not all the time. There are days we've spent together where it seemed like both of us would have preferred being alone. Maybe things were starting to shift a little bit; her attention was becoming more diluted or something.

I don't really know what's happening to me, but I think I might be changing, too.