New Levi x Reader One-shots [Captain-Fan]

Elf!Levi x Reader - The Evil Elf [Christmas Crack Fic]

~Once upon a time, in a land of white snow and holiday cheer, there lived a grumpy elf named Levi. Ironically, he received life mysteriously on Christmas day, only adding to the elf-centric holiday. Levi, like all the other elves, was a person short in stature that made toys for bratty children day in and day out. He hated it, in all honesty. He'd rather be out killing those terrifying titans Santa always told the elves about rather than sitting on his ass bored all day. He figured it out quite quickly; he was unwelcome and unwanted at the North Pole. He was he such a misfit in the sea of cheery creatures, and one day he got fed up with all the bullshit.

    "This fucking sucks," he spoke with a deadpanned expression.

     

    "GASP!" all the other elves cried in unison. "You said a bad word!"

     

    "I don't give a shit. You're all brats, just like the morons we build these fucking toys for."

     

    Soon after, the jackass known as the head elf wrote him up for swearing. To say the least, Santa was not pleased and decided that for everyone else's sake, it would be best to kick Levi out of the North Pole. As expected, Levi didn't give a shit. It's not like he really belonged there anyways! With a loud and clear "Fuck you!" he was off, ready to start his new adventure as a loner.

     

    Getting off the ice cap was not an easy task. The only way he knew how to travel was, of course, magic. How would a creature such as an elf conjure up this magic? Modern vocabulary would describe the action Levi had to do as "twerking" - and that's exactly what he did. He twerked so hard for so long a black hole opened up, sucking him into the suspicious looking vortex. 

     

    Chaotic enough, he happened to run it to- you guessed it- YOU! The raven-haired elf fell through the vortex and somehow ended up in your room whilst preparing for bed at the Survey Corps headquarters. It was Christmas Eve and you had decided to get a bit of early shuteye to help Christmas come quicker. Seeing the rather handsome short man in front of you caused your face to flash rose colored hues all over, especially since you were only in a nightgown that wasn't exactly conservative. 

     

    "Huh?! Who are you?! Get out!" You cried, terrified a man that came from a black hole was currently invading your privacy.

     

    "Calm the fuck down (First). I just got kicked out of the North Pole is all. And it's not like I haven't seen you naked before."

     

    "What the hell are you talking about? How do you know my name? And why have you seen me naked?!"

     

    "I'm an elf you idiotic jackass. I worked with Santa and helped make all those bullshit toys night and day. I even made that purple doll for you when you were eight. Oh, and you know how Santa always knows what you're doing? So do the elves. Cause if we're watching you do bad shit we'll stop making your presents and shit."

     

    Upon hearing that little detail re guarding the doll, you knew for sure that this guy wasn't just full of shit. Who else would have known about that doll? It was confirmed; this man really was an elf. And you were also officially embarrassed since he's seen your every action since around when you were born.

     

    "No wonder you're so short. So...if you're an elf, and you got kicked out of the North Pole...does that make you an evil elf?"

     

    "Shut the fuck up, I was the tallest elf back at the North Pole. And I guess it does. But watch it, I've seen some of the stuff you do and I'm surprised Santa has you down as nice. You have a lot of dirty thoughts like-"

     

    "Okay okay! Well...I guess you can stay with me. Maybe Erwin will allow you stay here permanently if you ask him kindly. It is Christmas after all, maybe he's in a better mood."

     

    "I know about Erwin and his dirty secrets too. I'll blackmail him until he gives in."

     

    With a sigh, you lead the strange man towards you bed, allowing him to sleep in it tonight while you crashed in a nearby chair. He snuggled into the sheets like a happy little caterpillar, and it was apparent he was pleased. A thought came to your head however, one of vital importance. You didn't even know his name!! How could you let a guest stay with you without knowing what to properly call them? This caused you to call out to the man, his head turning towards you in response.

     

    "What?"

     

    "What's your name again?"

     

         "It's Levi."

    "Ah...well, goodnight Levi."

     

    "Whatever."

     

    "Anything else I should know?"

     

    "Hmm...it’s my birthday tomorrow. I guess that's kinda interesting and shit."

     

    "Happy Birthday then Levi!"

     

    "Thanks I guess...dumbass."

     

AND THEN LATER LEVI DRESSED UP AS SEXY SANTA AND YOU BOTH HAD AWESOME KINKY SEX!! AND YOUR CLIMAXES WERE SO GRAND YOU BOTH KILLED ALL THE TITANS AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

~The End~