Just let me in

Chapter 27

[Cassidy's P.O.V]
"Only immediate family in here from now on, ok? I don't know why she passed out before, maybe it's something to do with the lack of food. Jane go downstairs and get some food and some sort of sugary drink now and come back here but tell the young man outside that he can come in now but only immediate family so none of the others on your way out, ok?" The door opened and shut again and there was a sudden clatter as many people started talking from outside. Wait. Immediate family. Young man outside. Who the fuck was here? Louis?.... No it couldn't be. He left me for dead it's not likely to be him. But then who else?
"Is she ok? What happened before?"
"Yes she should be fine now. She was very weak before. I don't know if your friend there made her uneasy or hurt her in any way or something because she shouldn't have passed out, really."
"Kellin? No. No he wouldn't have."
"Are you sure because she has a considerable amount of injuries especially those on her stomach."
"Well that's why she's here, isn't it. Jesus!" The person snapped rudely.
"No. Not that. Her stomach. Two broken ribs and one fractured. That's not just a random injury you get from falling over. We're just concerned. I looked at her file she's been recovering and has been on anti-depressants for months now. At first they were being picked up but now are being stored at her local pharmacy. There's no sign of her ever taking an anti-depressant. There's been various requests made for therapists in the last few months, none of which have been contacted, but the last few times she's been checked into hospital she's sustained many injuries. This time we've found a lot of blood lose, and anorexia. When was the last time you saw her eat something?" Silence. "The hospital recommend that you take her to either of these specialists for eating disorders. Be careful. This isn't the first time she's been checked into hospital with uncommon injuries. When she was young she was admitted many times." I stirred. I may be weak as fuck but no way was I going to let this continue. And I didn't want the doctor to bring up the accident. I didn't even know who my immediate family in the fucking room was! I slowly opened my eyes and muttered,
"Stop. I d...don't have and e...eating d...disorder. I...I'm fine."
"Bullshit." I looked to see Zach standing by my bed. Of all people. "Can we have a moment please? She says she's fine."
"Ok. I'll come back with the medicines and the food."
"No anti-depressants." I argued
"But-"
"No." I wasn't taking them.
"Ok." The doctor left and Zach sat down. I was confident before I saw the look on his face. He sat on a chair so we were closer and I scooted as far away as possible on the little bed.
"Nice try. Your all wired up. There's needles in your arms. Don't look I don't need to be covered in throw up."
"I have a strong stomach."
"Strong stomach or empty stomach?" I met his cold eyes with my surprised ones. Why did he care all of a sudden.
"What possible benefit could you gain from being here right now and caring? Do you think that I buy for one minute that you're here because you care about me?"
"True. You believe what you want to believe. What I need is some understanding."
"And who said I'm going to give you what you need? You'll get what you deserve so will everyone else in this goddamn world."
"So you did do it to leave."
"What? No. What the fuck are you on about?!" I spat. I didn't even know why I was so angry. But it felt good to let it out. There's was nothing to hold me back now. Well there's was nothing holding back what I could say. Physically I was kinda stuck.
"Ha! You're not actually telling me that you don't know why you're here? In a fucking hospital?! That's a joke. Complete bullshit Cassidy."
"I...i don't." I whispered this time. I felt him staring at me but that was the truth. Why was I here?
"You really don't remember?" His tone was much softer now. I preferred it. Shouting was....scary. Tears stung my eyes but I quickly blinked them away and shook my head quickly.
"You cut. Badly. Too fucking deep. So deep Cassidy. They just about saved you, you know? How am I supposed to tell Kellin or Jesse or worse Jax that actually you almost died. If they hadn't got here in time you probably would've. Do you think that'll be easy? Don't you think he's been through enough. Jax has...Jax has had enough. He didn't need this Cass." I looked down in guilt. I remembered now. The dizziness. The peaceful dark that I so desperately wanted right now. But instead I felt guilt. And soon the voices would use that against me. To hurt me more. "You didn't see them Cassidy. Why do you think it's me here right now? Kellin was trying to be brave but when I pulled him away he complete broke. He was a sobbing mess. Jesse was bad. I mean you broke Jesse almighty. That's how much he cares. I doubt Jax will even come and see you. He's just broken. Beyond repair this time. He can't take much more. And I know you understand that of all people. The feeling of giving up. You still wanna give up? Cassidy it hurts me to see you like this. Your just so gentle and peaceful and just your like an angel. When you fall we all fall. I don't know how or why you've had to be strong and by all means keep it to yourself. But you are without a doubt the strong person. You don't understand that. You're the one that holds everyone up. You're the one that people wait for thinking is she going to come in today? How does she do it? It's hard to miss that you're being bullied. How badly is a different story. A serious story but a different one. You know that the hospital staff have every right to contact the police. They even suspected me. If they knew I wasn't actually your brother they would flip out! Probably have me arrested or something. You don't see your value. To you you've been forgotten. They've moved on. But actually they're trying to forget but you're hard to miss. Your so simple and sweet and you're so fucking small Cassidy. You shouldn't be this small or skinny. You're literally skin and fucking bones! Do you know what I see what every single person out there right now will see? A broken angel. Their broken angel. You're broken but the broken break because they know that they can be fixed. One day darling someone is going to come along and hug you so tight that all of your broken pieces will stick back together. Keep your head up princess, because your tiara's falling." Tears streamed down my face and when I turned my head Zach had bent down so that he was eye level with me. I looked right into his eyes. They were red and puffy and silent tears made their way down his cheeks. At that moment I saw past the cold exterior and I saw what I least expected. He too was broken. He was in pain. He had strong for too long.
"Y...you don't have to be strong for me too. I'm doing alright so far." I joked. He laughed before completely breaking down. I pressed the button and guided him over gently to my bed. I moved over and he sat upright. I leant my head on his shoulder and felt his wrap his hands around me as he cried on my shoulder. I felt the pain he felt. The fear. Not just for me for them as well. The heartache. The loss. Everything. The power I had was not a blessing but a curse. People's pain broke me even further but I couldn't let them feel pain. I had to feel it. I had to take it away. It was the only reason I was still here. We lay there for a while like that until the doctor came back in with food and pills. I held out my hand for the pills and he poured them into my palm.
"No thank you." I dropped the ad's back in the cup. He sighed.
"You need to eat food before you take your medicine otherwise you'll fall asleep before you eat."
"Ok. Can you...uh like not be here when I eat? I...it m..makes me um kinda nervous."
"Sure lovely. Press the help button when you're done." He walked to the door and opened it. "Make sure she bloody well eats." Ugh why did he care so much about whether or not I ate? He didn't even know me so what would it matter if I passed out again. It would just mean I wouldn't have to face the guys... No! I owed it to them. Zach pulled the tray off the table and into my lap.
"I'm gonna watch you eat that. I've never seen you eat at all. I've never seen you eat anything. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself anymore."
"It's already done. I'm not even sure that I get hungry anymore." He sighed.
"But you will. It's possible Cassie! Any things possible if you try. You need to eat now though because you have to take those meds and I'm telling you once the painkillers you're on now wear off you're gonna be in a shit ton of pain." I sighed and picked up the plastic fork. It was a plate of pasta and salad with some yoghurt and fruit. I just stared at it. I thought of the calories. I didn't really know what was in it or how much weight I was going to put on after it.... "Hey don't think so hard. I can almost see the smoke coming out of your ears." He joked. Which made me giggle and turn to face him. He wore one of the biggest smiles I had ever seen 'tough Zach' have on. That would definately ruin his image if it carried on.
"Why so smiley all of a sudden?" I nudged him on the shoulder and he blushed.
"You're really cute when you smile. Now EAT! Stop trying to put it off."
"Stop trying to put it off or stop trying to embarrass you."
"Both." He replied grumpily.
"Moody much. What happened to smiley Zach?!"
"Apparently he wasn't welcome. For gods sake eat now! Before I feed you!"
"Ok! Ok. Ok. Here I go. Ok." I put a piece of pasta in my mouth and chewed it quickly. As soon as it went into my mouth the voices went off screaming at me. "JUST FUCKING STOP!" I threw the tray off me and clutched my head. I had already eaten a quarter of the plate of pasta and two bits of fruit which would last me fine but I was so mad right now. Zach quickly turned around. He had been facing the mirror but ran to my side where tears were streaming down my face as I muttered helplessly to myself in an attempt to drown them out.
"Cassie! W...what happened!" He sat down and pulled me onto him gently taking care of the wires as I was still incredibly weak.
"Th...they won't stop. Please make them stop. Please!" I started sobbing again. I hated this. I hated how they got to me. I hated the fact that one minute I was fine the next I was completely broken and sobbing my eyes out.
"I...its ok baby they'll stop."
"N...no! Th...they w...won't I I don't know what to do anymore." I whispered the last bit but he heard. I had calmed down a bit now but there were still tears running down my cheeks. "The foods gone everywhere now. I'm so stupid. Will you tell them that I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."
"Yeah I will don't worry honey and it's ok everyone needs to break sometimes. It's always better out then in." We lay in silence but it wasn't awkward. We were both thinking so hard it didn't matter about silence. "You don't understand how much we love you Cassie. Well, how much Jesse, Kellin, Jax, Mikey, Josh, Ana, your parents brother and sister and everyone else love you and me. I know I don't show it Cassie but without you everything would be wrong. All of those people out there right now don't think they do but they really do. They make thin they don't like you but they do. They need you. The wouldn't be able to function. You don't realise that. A lot of people don't realise that. And they should. They take you for granted. Spending years with people you don't really like, before I met the boys, kinda made me quite observant now I don't really need to be but I've always kept an eye on you. To be honest I should've noticed the warning signs. I was an idiot not to. I always kept an eye out for you but these last months I've been so wrapped up in myself I forgot. I took you for granted as well. You hold us all together. If you left everyone would be shattered. You'd leave with a piece of each of them. You don't understand how much we care. You're loved Cassie. I promise you that you are." By now I was too numb to feel anything. I cried away all my tears and was just exhausted now but I still managed to flinch when he mentioned Ana, my parents and family. I knew he noticed but I also knew that he could see how tired I was. Before long he was talking to me and telling me to sleep after taking my medicine which made me so much more sleepy and I soon drifted off into a hopefully dreamless sleep.