Commitment

Part 22

Sam came and stood beside Regan on the verandah. "You and Gray seem to have had a personality transfer." He glanced across, to see if she was taking his teasing in her usual stride. "I was told he was being charming and you were being difficult!" He kept the smile in his voice as he teased. But when he got no reply he frowned.

Regan knew Sam was right.

"Regan, what was that about? Earlier? With the car?" He prompted. He'd caught the tail end of the fracas when he saw her leaving the kitchen. It was Lore who told him about the situation and Regan's order.

She sighed quietly, "Nothing." She'd changed into jeans and sweatshirt and was just waiting for the drizzle to ease up before she went for a walk. So she stood on the verandah and waited, her eyes looking unseeingly out at the horizon and was not expecting any company. With her arms wrapped around her waist, holding herself together on the outside as much as trying to hold it together on the inside, she continued to stare at the horizon.

"It didn't sound like nothing." Sam looked at her more closely, noting her stiff posture and his frown turned to one of concern. He came closer. Close enough to see her face. He wasn't sure if the streaks on her cheeks were tear tracks or the rain. But it was the fact that her eyes were puffy. "Are you ok?" She looked like she'd been crying.

Her lower lip was trembling. She looked upset.

Automatically she nodded. "Yes." She kept her face averted and the word was lacklustre.

"Forgive an old man for saying this, but you don't look it." He came even closer and stood where he could face her.

Regan took a breath, ran her tongue over her lips and bit the corner of her lips. Sam was really concerned about Regan. He hoped his grandson had not reduced Regan to tears. "If Gray's made you cry, I'll..."

She shook her head. "It wasn't him." She said with a rueful smile and took another breath as the tears appeared in her eyes again. She'd held them at bay for so long. She couldn't cry at the scene, she'd have lost her professional edge. But the emotion from that traumatic event was still working through her system only to have her feelings escalated when she came home, and saw Gray and another woman flirting. Things were mounting up. And she felt terribly lonely. She did not live alone, but she knew she was really lonely.

"Oh?" Sam could see that she was fighting for composure.

She looked so valiant, and yet so fragile. He was still not sure what to make of her. There were so many things that didn't add up. He was fairly sure she was living beyond her means, but he had no way of verifying it without asking her point blank. He was fairly sure she liked his grandson given she kept giving him chances, went out of her way to help him. He also thought she was a gentle soul but she took on his grandson without any hesitation. But their behaviour had Sam keeping his thoughts to himself.

Without meaning to, she said quietly, "I was called out to an emergency." She wrapped her arms around her waist and gave herself the hug that no-one had given her. The harrowing minutes when she'd tried in vain to resuscitate that young child, replayed in her mind. She did everything she could do at that accident: She attended to the boy, trying to stop him bleeding out from his injuries while trying to resuscitate him.

She needed a hug. So she wrapped her arms around herself and held on. And gave herself a hug she desperately needed. One day, someone was going to hold her whenever she needed a hug. If Mrs Jones still lived at the cottage, Regan knew she would have gone straight there. Mrs Jones always knew when to give her a hug. Usually whenever she saw her. In fact that entire family always gave her a hug. She missed them. She wondered if Lucy was home? She could go over, and talk to Lucy and collect a hug. Regan stared sightlessly out toward the hills. At least it had stopped raining. Perhaps she could trek through the paddock to Lucy's home, but with the rain the paddocks would be a swamp and it would be a hard slog.

"An emergency/" Sam's statement brought Regan back from her musing.

"He was four." She closed her eyes. "He died." She kept her eyes closed. She whispered, "I was holding him when he died." She knew tears were leaking past her closed lids. She was lucky that she kept a change of clothes at work. She still had an hour on duty, so she returned to the medical centre, changed her clothes, gave the stained clothes to their receptionist who arranged for the clothes to be cleaned. In the meantime Regan saw other patients and banked her feelings. It was only on the way back to the farm that her feelings surfaced. Gloomy weather matched her feelings. It felt as if the heavens were crying with her as her car made its way through the heavy rain shower.

"Oh." Sam gulped. He wondered whether he should offer an unsolicited hug.

She opened her eyes and ran her index finger's pad beneath her lashes and sniffed. "We did everything we could do to stem the blood." She used the heels of her palms to mop the tears and then rubbed the back of her hand at her nose tip.

"I am so sorry, Regan."

"Honestly, we did everything. But..." She closed her eyes.

"I am sure you did."

Regan opened her eyes and looked over. "Thank you. His parents were so distraught, because they could not do anything to help. The mother was pinned in their car and fire crew were trying to free her, two paramedics were dealing with the father's injuries and I and my colleague were trying to stem the blood and resuscitate him." She kept reviewing those minutes. She rubbed at her temple. She took another breath, "And you were right."

"About what?" Sam asked gently.

"Gray was charming and I was difficult!" She said through a watery smile.

He knew Regan was trying to change the topic and the atmosphere. He could see she was still upset but needed a path out of this tearful mood, so he snorted gently, "Which you have to admit is not normal for here! Quite a reversal!"

She sighed. "I know." She thought she should explain the character reversal to Sam. "Basically, I came home and took it out on one of your grandson's guests." Just a shame she did not have the composure to hide her jealousy. Her reaction and her order were automatic. "A really stupid thing to do. To order his girlfriend! I made such a fuss about her parking!" Her head reminded her that Gray's new girlfriend basically blocked the gate, but perhaps she could have ignored it, forget that she had to leave her car on the verge, climb over the gate, and got drenched in her run from her car  to her front door!

"Yes, Loretta said that too." Though Sam was not sure that Caro was Gray's girlfriend, well, not at the moment. Given Loretta's report, today's visit was a prelude to a proper date. "Apparently your order was a surprise! Not at all expected from you!"

Regan smiled in acknowledgement. She continued with her explanation, "I know. I surprised myself!" Regan shrugged at Sam's unvoiced question she saw in his eyes, "I just, oh, I don't know, I guess I just needed a safety valve. Gray's guest's car was it!" Regan looked up at the sky, at least the grey clouds were vanishing, a bit like her mood. She looked over at Sam, "I made a bit of a fool of myself, didn't I?" She shrugged, brushed at her tear tracks. "I need to go." She stated suddenly, glanced again, at the grey skies and hoped the rain held off for at least the next half an hour.

"Go?"

"For a walk. Get some air." She mumbled. She just needed to grieve. She couldn't do that here, not with Gray and his woman friend in the house. There were times in life, when things just seemed overwhelming. Today was one of those times.

"I'll come with you." Sam said quietly. She looked like she could do with company.

She shook her head. "Thank you. But. No. I'm going to head for my favourite spot. It's a bit of a scramble to get to it, it overlooks the stream, and you can see for miles, and the sound of the stream is very soothing." She knew she was prattling on, so with a rueful, tearful smile she turned and said, "And thank you for listening to me. Catch you later." She looked at the sky, wondered if she needed an umbrella, but then decided, given her luck today, if she took an umbrella, she would ended up with self-injuries from falling and an umbrella stabbing! She preferred a drenching rather than a stabbing, She smiled and jammed her hands in her pockets, and headed out.

Sam's eyes narrowed in concern as he watched her make her way toward the paddock. Her tear stained eyes had been full of misery and pain. He felt wretched not being able to help, to offer comfort. He should have given her a hug. She looked like she could do with a hug. It was rare to see her so down, usually she had a ready smile and a gentle attitude, even with grumpy Gray.