Commitment

Part 31

Her sudden joy all but gone. The tiredness that only a few seconds ago had been well and truly masked when she thought she had a treat, but now it returned with a vengeance. Joy is messy disordered and is too intransient.

Regan nodded, "Yes, I saw the table." She'd seen the stylish place settings. "I know. A table for four." She assumed they were all going to sit down to a meal together. All four of them: her, him, his sister and his grandfather. Together. A thought that had lifted her spirits. You come back from a hard day to your home, see your dining table dressed for a formal occasion with places for four, and there are only four living at your home, what would you think.

"I wasn't expecting you to be in." Gray stated in a manner that indicated it was her fault.

"Yes, I got that." She acknowledged automatically. She took a breath and kept her tone neutral, "But in any case, this is lovely. Very classy." She kept the smile in her voice, even though sorrow was creeping into her heart faster than an ice cube melting in a furnace.

Regan did her best to hide her feelings. When would she learn? She asked herself quietly. Her legs suddenly felt incredibly leaden and she could not find the energy to move away. Her heart appeared to be sinking with the weight of lost dreams and gloom glued her to the floor. The anticipation and joy she had felt just a few minutes ago had turned almost instantly into dejection and despondency. As a child, the number of times that she was excluded resurfaced in her brain.

Something so simple had her childhood memories surfacing: a table setting that did not include a place for her. Who could think memories could cut deeper this time? She'd thought her memories would not hurt. She had forgotten about that period in her life. Not forgotten. Just stored.

She reached for her invisible impregnable cloak that had protected her in the past. She dusted it and put it on. Easy come easy go, she thought as she put aside the fact that all that effort had not been for her. It was hard not to return to the insecurity of her childhood, when she'd been told, over and over, to stay out of sight whenever they had guests over for dinner. She was not to be seen or heard. The loneliness of that time seeped slowly into her blood stream despite her impenetrable cloak. Clearly her child-self's invisible cloak didn't work for her adult self. She would have to mend it or find another way to protect her.

Gray suddenly realised that he was handling this the wrong way. He rubbed his jaw and he watched her reactions, "Right. Look, Regan," He muttered as the enchanting light in her eyes began to diminish. She looked like she was about to cry. Gray knew he was responding far too slowly, he could see it in her eyes, see the way she was fighting to reel herself in and put on a mask that hid what and how she felt. "we can rearrange the settings. I can move this..."

She shook her head firmly, clutched at her bag and used it to ground her, as the spinning in her brain stopped. She kept her tears at bay. "Please don't." She interrupted quietly, suddenly very tired and desperate to leave the room. She felt utterly disconsolate. They didn't want her at this dinner. They arranged this dinner, and didn't have the courtesy to tell her. Her eyes smarted. Shame, conscience and reproach, forced him to include her, but she could not stay for dinner, with that knowledge lurking as an elephant in the room "In any case, not on my account." She said more firmly, with the smile still pasted on her lips.

An unwanted child. An unwanted adult. Perhaps they just forgot, or thought I would be at work, or were going to ask me at the last moment, the sentences rattled around her head as she tried to find an excuse for Gray. She turned away and started to unbutton her coat with fingers that felt numb, eyes that were filled with tears and filled her heart, brim full of sadness.

"Regan..." Gray started to halt her progress.

With her back to him, Regan waved his interruption away with one of her own, "Don't worry. Please, don't change the setting." She was relieved to hear her voice remained relatively steady, but at least he couldn't see her eyes or the fact that her lips were trembling. "Lovely idea, and the table looks wonderful."