let's talk about relationships
there's two things i wanna say about it
first thing: being around people, especially friends, that are in relationships make me feel kinda sad. like.. i'm happy that they're happy in their relationship. but being around them makes me feel like a third wheel. and i don't like feeling like a third wheel. they could include me in stuff, but i'd feel as if maybe i shouldn't have gone. not saying that this has happened where i hung out with friends that were in a relationship, but just something i think about. like.. for example, one of my friends was in a relationship. the guy she was in a relationship with was also my friend. one day, me, her, and him were in the hallway (i think we were evacuating the building or we were going somewhere. i don't necessarily remember-) and i was walking behind them. and probably trying to talk to them. but i felt like maybe i should stop trying to talk to them. though they never said they had a problem with me talking to them, i just felt like i should stop. i felt like a third wheel behind them. i feel like a third wheel behind anyone that's in a relationship and they're holding hands or being lovey-dovey or anything. and i feel like that's selfish because i should be happy that they're happy. and i am. but i just feel.. excluded? idk. but yeah, i just... i don't interfere with couples because of that
second thing: i feel like i'm destined to be single. like... i complain so much about being single and wanting to have a relationship with someone, but when the opportunity is there, i don't take it. and it's usually because i don't like the person. like last night, one of my guy friends asked me if he wanted me, could he have me. and i said idk. he said okay and that was kind of the end of that. but like... i just... i feel so.. defeated? idek if that's the word to describe it. i think that maybe i should just give up on it altogether. i see no reason in hoping for a relationship that's probably never gonna fucking happen. two guys during this quarantine wanted to at least talk to me and see if we could have a relationship in the future. and i pretty much rejected them. second guy was more recent than the first, but still. i had one guy ask me to be his girlfriend. i said no. reason behind it was because i don't really like him like that. plus, he said that if i didn't like being his girlfriend, we could just go back to being best friends. and i'd rather not do that because i don't wanna say yeah to being his girlfriend when i don't feel the same way. he's having a hard time finding a girlfriend and he feels like no one wants him. and i've been trying to reassure him that maybe someone does want him. or that someone will want him. i'm basically reassuring him that one day, he'll find the relationship he's looking for. do i believe the same thing will happen for me? not in the slightest. but i have hope for him. i feel like maybe i'm a lost cause... i probably shouldn't feel that way, but i can't help it. i'm just... i'm too scared to be in a relationship. i'm too scared to put myself out there and meet someone and maybe even have a relationship with them. all of my relationships didn't work out and i just.. don't wanna set myself up for another failed relationship... sigh... i hate it here..
