Once More With Feeling ZAINTSEE AU

Plodding Along

The days continued to pass by quickly, nothing had really changed between Saint and Zee. Saint felt like he needed to be more sure of himself before he could persue anything with Zee or anyone else for that matter. Saint started counselling which was hard but also cathartic. Once a week for an hour and a half he got to pour his heart out to someone. Someone who wasn't emotionally invested in him. Saint knew Zee would listen to anything and everything he had to say but he also knew how deeply Zee cared for him and how much it hurt him to hear about Saint suffering.

His counsellor was a lovely lady named Lauren. She listened to everything he had to say without being affected by it. Because she wasn't emotionally invested her insights felt more truthful than something Zee or his Ma would say. She never sugar coated anything, if she thought Saint was wrong she'd let him know, especially when he was being too hard on himself. "Now Saint, I want you to imagine that someone hurt Zee the way Matt hurt you." She said one day during their session. Saint could feel anger rising inside himself. "Now imagine he comes to you and says that it was his own fault for being weak, what would you say?" She finished and let Saint think for a moment.

"I'd tell him he was stupid. How could someone else's actions possibly be his fault!" He shouted, shocking himself by how quickly he'd answered. "So what is the difference between you and Zee?" Lauren asked. Saint couldn't think of a single thing that would pass as an answer. From then on Saint started being a little kinder to himself and Lauren knew if she needed to get a point across she could use Zee as an example, which always drove the point home.

Saint was finally starting to feel a little more in control of himself. He continued his work out sessions with Zee and was feeling stronger mentally and physically. It was a few weeks later when Officer Gavin, who had been in contact a few times since the incident, turned up at their door again that Saint felt most grateful for his new found strength. "I'm so sorry guys but it's going to trial. He's pleading innocent to all charges." He said as they sat around the table again. Saint was glad he was seated or there was a high probability he would have crumpled to the ground hearing this news.

Saint spaced out for the rest of the conversation. Not even moving when Officer Gavin bid them farewell. Zee saw him out then came back to the kitchen to find Saint sat with his head in his hands quietly weeping. Thankfully Lee was already staying at Nana Nini's so they would have tonight and tomorrow to themselves. "I can't Zee..." Saint said finally looking up. Zee wiped away his tears. "Can't what?" Zee asked, stroking his cheek. "Go to court and face him. The thought of seeing him again makes me feel like I'm going to be sick." Saint said practicing some breathing exercises Lauren had taught him to help him relax.

Zee stood behind Saint began massaging his shoulders. "You don't have to see him my love." He said as he began working the knots out of Saint's shoulders. "Officer Gavin said you can give your evidence via video call so you won't have to be in the court room. They might not even call you as a witness at all but if they do you just have to answer their questions and tell the truth you won't have to be anywhere near that piece of shit, ok?" Saint had stopped crying but Zee could still feel the tension in his shoulders.

Having Zee's hands on him was helping to sooth Saint's mind but it wasn't enough. "Can we go to bed and hug and talk there?" He asked not daring to look up at Zee because he felt embarrassed. "Of course." Zee replied with a smile. Smuggling up to Saint was his favourite part of the day so if they got to do it for longer he would never say no. Saint stood up and held Zee's hand leading him to their bedroom. They lay down and chatted while Saint had his head on Zee's chest and Zee had his arms wrapped around Saint.

"So I don't have to see him?" Saint asked for what must have been the fifth time. He knew it might seem pathetic but he needed that reassurance and if it helped him cope with what was happening then he would continue using the strategy. (Thank you Lauren.) "No, I promise Saint, not even for a second." Zee said rubbing Saint's back. Saint finally convinced himself that he would be ok, he "hmm'ed" and stretched into Zee's touch like a cat wanting strokes. It was amazing to Saint how much he loved being touched by Zee, he still struggled with anyone except Lee or his Ma touching him but with Zee he felt himself longing for it.

Every day Lauren had Saint doing a little task where, even if it was a really bad day, she was having Saint say at least one thing that hadn't been bad about it. Even if it was something as simple as "Lee drew me a picture in school and made me smile." Or "Ma came round and we had tea and a chat." Zee was the only one who Saint had told about his counselling sessions, not everything just some bits here and there. But before they went to sleep Zee would always asked if Saint had a happy thing to tell him. Saint decided he would take the initiative tonight so he rolled on top of Zee and leaned up on his arms, so his face was close to Zee's.

"Zee today you are my happy thing. In fact that's true pretty much every day. I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart, I couldn't have survived this past few weeks without you. You give me courage to keep fighting even when I feel weak. So thank you Zee for being my happy thing." He was staring into Zee's eyes and the overwhelming urge to kiss him came over Saint. Nothing like that had happened since that night but tonight Saint finally felt sure that this was definitely the right thing to do. "Are you still OK with me being in control?" Saint asked. Zee swallowed hard remembering when he had said those words to Saint. Unable to trust himself speaking he just nodded and continued staring into Saint's beautiful eyes as Saint smiled then closed the distance between them, sealing their lips together once more.