Once More With Feeling ZAINTSEE AU

Anxiety is a Bitch

*** Trigger warning***
***This chapter contains description of a panic attack. As someone who has suffered with them for years, I know how bad they can be so I don't want anyone being triggered by my story***

The rest of day flew by. They both worked on their laptops for a while and Saint was pleased with the fact he managed to get quite a good chunk of work done on his new book. He thought back to their days in university when he and Zee had stayed up all night just talking about their hopes and dreams for the future. Zee already knew about his love of history and religion but Saint had never told anyone about his desire to be a writer. It was just something he always secretly wanted but he never thought he had enough talent to actual achieve. He expected Zee to laugh but he didn't, he encouraged Saint to follow his dream. Even when Saint had given up on everything including his dream, to focus on his degree, Zee would occasionally remind him that his dream was achievable. Saint really couldn't ask for a better friend he thought looking over at Zee.

When he felt like he'd done enough work for the day, Saint ordered himself a new phone and sim card and had his old one blocked. He didn't know where or when he'd lost it but he enough on his plate without stressing about it. Then he made the mistake of checking social media. In the 2 days he'd been unavailable he'd received quite a few messages from his friends. They all wanted to know where he was and what had happened. Some of them had even been to his place and seen the police tape. Reading all these messages started really freaking him out. How could he explain to them what had happened? Telling the police was so hard even with Zee there for support. That night started playing in his head and he couldn't stop the terrifying images flashing through his mind. Before he knew what was happening he was struggling to breathe and felt like he was going to pass out. He looked over to Zee who was already on his way over to him.

Zee glanced over at Saint when he noticed he'd stopped typing furiously and pulling his 'work face'. He was just thinking how amazing he was when he noticed Saint's expression had changed, he looked almost afraid. He didn't want to invaid his privacy though so he stayed where he was. Then he heard Saint's breathing getting louder and more rapid so he ran over to check he was alright and realised he was having a panick attack. There was no nurse there with a syringe this time so he just had to do something himself. He took the laptop away and held Saint's hands. "Come on Saint. Everything is OK I promise. You're safe here with me, no one will ever hurt you again ok?" Saint was still gasping for breath but he threw himself into Zee's arms.

Zee put his arms around Saint and started rubbing circles on to his back. "Just breathe for me Saint. Nice and slow, copy me. In... and out..." he said, wondering if he needed to call an ambulance. "You're doing so good Saint. Come on nice and slow remember? In... and out... Thats amazing! Come on keep breathing with me, in... and out..." Saint was trying to listen to Zee but his brain was still rebelling against him. He put his ear against Zee's heart and listened to it beating. Then continued trying to copy Zee's breathing. Zee kept on murmuring words of encouragement as he showed Saint how to breath again.

Zee felt Saint slowly relaxing in his arms and thankfully his breathing began to return to normal. Saint was still clinging to Zee and was shaking but Zee felt like the worst was over. "You did so good Saint. I'm so proud of you. I know that was awful but you got through it." Saint didn't want to move away from Zee but he knew he couldn't hide in his arms forever so he sat up shakily. Tears had stained Zee's shirt and Saint's eyes were red and puffy but he hadn't even been aware he was crying.

"Well that was embarrassing..." Saint said trying to make light of the situation. "No, you're not brushing this off Saint." Zee said, he'd been terrified again and this time he needed to actually help Saint instead of just letting it slide. "Please Saint can you talk to me? I know it's not easy but I swear I'm here every step of the way." Saint wiped his face on his tshirt and tried to work out what to say. His Ma's words about looking after Zee rang around his head and he could see how worried Zee was so he tried to be brave and explain, even though it didn't really make sense to himself. "So..." he began, trying to stop his voice from wobbling "I went on to Facebook and I had messages from Poppy and Jimmy and Tommy asking me where I was and what had happened..." Saint felt like he was going to cry again. But Zee took his hand and said "You're doing so well Saint. Thank you for trusting me with this." And suddenly he felt like he could continue. "Zee they went to my place and saw the police tape and then that night just wouldn't get out of my head I couldn't stop it and then I couldn't breathe and I don't know what it was." The last part was so rushed Saint was worried Zee wouldn't understand him. But Zee being Zee he knew exactly what he'd said. "It's ok Saint." He said gently "You had a panic attack, which is normal after the trauma you've been through." He was still holding Saint's hand as he spoke. "You did so well coming out of it for me but it's something that could happen again. So in the morning I think we need to call your doctor for more advice or maybe they can prescribe something to help. It's completely your choice though, you know I'd never force you to do anything." Saint felt completely exhausted, he'd honestly thought he was going to die earlier. He knew Zee was right but his brain wouldn't let him make any decisions right now. "I'll think about it I promise." He said. "But for now can I just go to bed?" Zee nodded and let go of his hands. "Of course, I'll go get your tablets then we'll get you settled, we can talk more in the morning if you're feeling up to it."