Ganster's Squad

Chapter 71: Thoughts.

After days spent in Natasha's house as he dragged it as long as he could, he was back in his office. He was determined to do anything to have her. Since she confessed her love for him, he will fight for her. The first thing he had to do was to deal with was her husband. He thought long and hard how to deal with him. Natasha said very little about him, what he did found out, was that Kane was his father. Thing that made Namjoon believe that nothing good would come out of it. If the son was as bad as the father, the easiest way out was to kill him.

If he indeed would kill GD, Natasha was going to be pissed at him, and then she would definitely run away. He leaned his head on the desk. He was way too frustrated at the moment to find the best way to deal with him. He could ask help from his friends, but that would only make him more pathetic than he already was. He tried to think what a normal person would do in these type of situations. Should he go confront him about it, or stay put and wait for it to end?

She told him that GD was not going to sign the papers. If she asked him and he said no, what results would he have? He doubted it was better than hers. Maybe he should ask for help. If the members knew what was going though his mind, they would get upset that he was cutting them off again. The last thing he wanted was to make a habit of asking them for help. It was his problem, not theirs. The more he thought about it, the more it annoyed him.

He had to get out of his office. Being cooped in wasn't doing him any favors. He walked to the pond at the back of the house. He smiled when he remembered how Natasha played with her feet in the water. Namjoon's world was empty, he had no prospect in life. Everything seemed bleak and useless. The things he kept hidden in the darkest corner of his mind were playing with his sanity until she came in his life. She gave him hope of a normal life. He could feel it now, he could taste it. He never dared to dream of having a normal relationship, or to dream of normality. He spent his life running away, keeping his feelings buried deep down. He didn't dare to smile, he didn't dare to dream, he only existed.

He took a deep breath. The air was fresh, a breeze caressed his cheek and he smiled. His smile did not touch his eyes, he was back again feeling miserable. The difference was, this time he won't look for trouble. He saw how worried his brothers were, how much they tried to help him, how frustrated they were with him for not listening to reason. This time he allowed himself to feel everything. There was a small hope he couldn't shake, he couldn't give that up. What choice did he have? He couldn't force him to sign the divorce, no matter how much he wanted. That was the thing with hope. It made you dream, it made you feel like you can achieve anything. When in reality, things were different. Hope only breeds eternal misery in his opinion.

Why were things always so complicated when it came to him? Why wasn't he capable of living a normal life, like any normal person? The more he thought about it, the more he wanted to give up. Natasha was someone he wanted in his life, and at the end of the day, she was worth it. He knew he would never find someone like her again. He tried it after she was gone. He started sleeping around, it just wasn't the same. The more women he slept with, the emptier he felt.

"What are doing here all alone?" Jaina asked bringing him to present. She sat on the stone next to him. "I saw you through my bedroom window."

Namjoon sighted. "I came here to think."

"Is this about my sister?" She had a feeling that it was the only subject that could make him look so... down.

Namjoon said nothing. He rubbed his hands together and looked at the river in front of him. He wished he could be one with the water. That way, he wouldn't have to feel.

"My sister is complicated." She smiled. She took his hand and held it in hers. "You know, I finally realized how strong and precious she really is."