Wish You Were Here

Part 7: Lonely Heart

It's been three weeks. I've only left my bed to get food, and drink. My editors adored what I wrote during my up all night heartbreak, I wrote half a novel basically. I spent the last few weeks without leaving my bed. Rach keeps calling, Ashton keeps calling, Rach's dad called too. I don't care enough to speak to anyone. It's about damn time I wallowed in the heartbreak that I always write about. It was the first time anyone made me feel enough to hurt, and it really hurt.

There's a banging on my door, it's 3pm on a Thursday which is prime wallowing time. I drag myself to the door wrapped in my comforter, wearing the same pajamas I've had on for days. I'm disgusting and I know it, I just don't have enough left in me to care.

"Oh, no. Oh no no no." I hear from Rach when I open the door, she barges in of course.

"Have you even moved since we got back?" She yells while throwing my curtains open. I almost hiss at the light, but I hold back so she doesn't notice how bad I've gotten. I tell her I've been engrossed in a new writing project, I tend to neglect myself when I'm distracted by work. I lied through my teeth, telling her what I started that night was a big hit. My editors liked it, but I haven't touched it. I eventually get her to believe me and force her out.

What I really did was drink every drop of alcohol I had, and then bought a whole lot more. I had a crisis that I often had, what does it mean to be a bad person and am I a bad person? This was tough, it stung more than usual and I found myself really believing it. I need more explanation as to why I'm not worth sticking around for. I've torn my life apart trying to sort out how I became so horrible only to find the answer that it must be genetics from my mother.

The only answer I could come up with is that maybe I'm just as big of a bitch as my mother. I swore I'd never become her, I'd never abandon my family. I swore in the names of rom-coms and Matt from 13 Going on 30. He's what I've been looking for, I want my own version of that.

Somehow I ended up here, swearing off love from the top of my apartment building, drunk and alone. It's a bit pathetic but maybe I'll just lean into my writing persona and go full Ernest Hemingway? Either that or Sylvia Plath and ... well. It's so screwed up how much I'm leaning towards the latter, simply because I see him every time I close my eyes. I try to imagine what was so horrible about me. I do what I can, I donate to charity when I have extra money, I give spare cash to the homeless, I smile at everyone. For shits sake I say 'thanks you too' when the theatre attendant tells me to enjoy my film.

The line only rings twice.

"Cassy, hey." He sounds groggy, I forgot about time zones. I have no idea where he is right now, but it's almost 8pm here in LA.

"Shit, Ash I'm sorry were you asleep?" I slur a bit as I say it.

"Cass... what's going on?" He immediately sounds alert, I already feel like a massive burden.

"I shouldn't have bothered you, I wasn't thinking I.." I go to hang up but I hear him yelling through the speaker.

"Don't you dare hang up. Tell me right now what is going on, please." The worry and insistence in his tone forces me to speak.

"I just wish I knew why I wasn't ever enough. Or maybe I'm too much? What is it that makes everyone leave me? What's so terrible that no one could love me?" I let out a sniffle as I showed him complete honesty. I walk along the edge of the building, almost willing myself to fall off.

"It's not you, you're great. I can't rationalize or explain it, I wish I had a better answer. The people who left you are just plain stupid, and they're missing out." I let out a chuckle at his response. It's so similar to things I've heard before, including from a therapist.

"I love you, but I can't believe you. Thanks, again for everything, Ash."

"I gotta go." I tell him, hearing his protests as I hang up. I'm not willing to listen to the same answer to a problem that continues. Will someone finally just tell me what is wrong with me. I fight myself for hours, laying on the roof, walking the edge. I couldn't do it to Rach, but she has Ashton now.

That of course leads me to wonder if the one person who always needed me even needs me anymore. What if she doesn't want me after everything? She came to check on me, but I wonder if it's just out of obligation. What was supposed to be the best weekend of every year suddenly became a forced realization that I was not made for love. I wasn't meant to be loved no matter how much of myself I give to everyone.

I was born a therapy friend, and will die in that role. I'm here to listen, and sort their problems with them. Whether it's a teenage heartbreak, or my mother's moment of grief during dad's hospital stay. She checked out of life, and pushed it away, she pushed us away. Every second I wasn't in school I was at his bedside reading to him or calling the nurses when something went wrong. I should have realized then that my love for those around me would be more important than the love I would receive. I should have realized when I lost my dad, because he was the only one who really loved me.

The sky is pitch black by the time I decide to leave the roof. I've sobered up and started to feel tired and numb again so it's time to sleep. I reached my door to find it unlocked, but I could've sworn I'd locked it. I pull it open as slowly and quietly as I can with my keys between my fingers ready to meet a burglar.

"I'm worried sick, Ash. I don't know where she is." I think I would rather meet a burglar than what I'm seeing. A puffy eyed Rach crying into her phone, I can only assume because I went missing.

"Rach..." I keep my voice quiet, but her head snaps over to look at me. She abandons the phone and pulls me into a tight hug.

"Where the hell have you been?! Your phone was going to voicemail I thought you fucking died." Her voice is tense and angry. I completely deserve her anger and I know it.

"I was on the roof, my phone died." I'm shifting my feet and studying the floor. I can't meet the disappointment in her eyes right now.

"I've been here for hours. You were up there that long?" Her tone says she doesn't believe me, but I just nod in response. I bite my quivering lip, desperate to hold the tears back.

"I'm not ok, Rach. I'm sorry I lied and tried to hide it." I let the wall come down and suddenly I'm crying so hard I could fill the room with my tears from floor to ceiling.

"I know. It's ok, I know you're not ok. We're going to get through it. I am never leaving and that's a promise." She pulled me into her arms, trying to soothe the pain that's bursting through me. Her voice is soft and gentle as she reassured me over and over that she won't leave.

Once I've tamed my sobs to a few whimpers and stray tears she gets up to make tea so we can talk.

"I didn't believe a word you said earlier. I hope you know I saw right through that act of yours. I had to call reinforcements when I saw how awful you look." I shoot her a glare, and she laughs, which causes me to laugh. After a good few minutes of us laughing and mocking each other it hits me... what reinforcements?

"Wait, Rach what did you mean by reinforcements?" I give her a stern look,

"You'll find out tomorrow." She winks when she says it. I hate surprises, I hate anticipation. I'm going to be killing my mind over it until I find out and she knows it.

"Get some sleep, we have a busy day tomorrow." This makes me even more confused, her tone is chipper but she has that gleam in her eye like she's plotting.

"You'll be the death of me. Now get out so I can sleep off the anxiety you just gave me." I say pushing her out of the apartment with both hands on her back. She sticks her tongue out at me, but actually does leave after we exchange an 'I love you'.