Wish You Were Here

Part Fifteen: Loss // Lover

I arrived at the hospital in record time since I missed most of the traffic. I sent the requested texts to Rach, and Cal that I made it here alive.

The smell of the hospital is like a slap to the face, and I have to swallow a lump in my throat as I approach reception.

"Hi, my mom is a patient here.. Marie Lawrence is her name." The woman nods and I go through the steps of getting a visitor badge before she gives me directions to the wing of the hospital my mom is in.

After about 10 minutes, getting lost and having to ask for directions from someone else I find Ron standing in the hallway.

"Hey, Ron." I have to approach him, I figure he may not recognize me.

"Oh, Cassy I didn't even recognize you!" He sounds and looks the same as I remembered.

"Ten years will do that." It isn't the time to be petty and I'm sure it wasn't his fault that my mom left me like she did.

"So what the hell is going on?" I didn't give him time to answer my bitchy comment, it's better to just move on.

"She got hit badly. A huge semi truck just didn't see her... they don't know how she made it out alive. I think she's been waiting to make some things up to you, she can't leave the world without doing that."

My eyes immediately fill with tears at the thought that maybe she's holding on for me.

"She's sorry, Cassandra. She has been for years but she never knew how to reach out. I'm sorry too... I-I should've tried for you and I didn't." His voice is weak and I can tell he has regrets.

"It's in the past. Right now the present demands that I see my mother." I smile weakly at him and he motions for me to follow him into the room.

It's like a nightmare. I haven't seen her in almost a decade, and now I'm seeing her covered in bandages and tubes, with machines beeping everywhere. I feel so small and helpless, like I'm that same little girl clutching a book to read to my dad.

"Hey, mom." I keep my voice soft and warm, as I approach the bedside. Ron was kind enough to pull a chair over for me. I reached out to touch her hand, and her eyes flutter open weakly.

"Cassandra? You came." Her voice is so weak and strained. I can tell she's barely holding on, just like Ron had said.

"I'm so sorry."

I nod to her, my glassy eyes spilling over as I watch her struggle to even breathe.

"I know, mom. It's ok, I love you. I hope you know that I love you." My voice is thick with tears as I choke out the words. I had to make sure she knows that I never stopped loving her even after she left.

"I'm so proud of y-you. I love you." Her eyes fall shut again, I assume she can't stay up for long. It seems incredibly difficult for her. So I stay and hold her hand, and whisper about my life that she's missed. I hope she hears me in her dreams and can picture everything I'm telling her about. My high school graduation, how lame prom was, how much boys suck, and how much I love my job. I tell her I love her at least a hundred more times, and that I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for her. She pushed me to be myself no matter what when I was a kid and if someone didn't like it they were wrong. I laugh at memories I had with her, crying all the while. I tell her that Ray is doing really well too, and she has a really great boyfriend who loves her so much.

I fell asleep at her bedside, holding her hand. It was almost sunrise when Ron and I awoke to the sound of the monitors that had been steadily beeping to her heart turning to a steady, and shrill beep. They pronounced her death time and covered her up, as Ron and I sobbed together. I hardly ever knew him, but he loved her and I know it, so I didn't pull away when his arms wrapped around me. We stayed for a while, but then he had to start dealing with things so I excused myself.

I drag myself to the car, my face swollen and red, nose stuffed, and utterly exhausted. It's still incredibly early and I'm sure most of the boys are sleeping, but I need to get in the house. I put my car in drive and head in the direction of their home, and call Calum.

"Cass? Are you ok?" His voice is rough and lower than usual meaning I had definitely woken him up.

"I need to get in the house. I'm on my way from the hospital. Can someone let me in please?" I sniffle out the words, I'm shocked I still have any tears left. He quickly agrees that he'll come down and let me inside once I arrive. The drive is pretty short, and it's still too early for much traffic so it only takes a few minutes before I'm arriving at the familiar street.

I force my tired body out of the car, sniffling and wiping my eyes a few times before heading up to the door. Before I've fully made it up the driveway the front door swings open to reveal Cal wearing only a pair of sweatpants. His hair is messy and his eyes are heavy from sleep, but when he sees me approach he seems to wake up instantly. He rushes from the door to meet me halfway and wraps his arms around me.

"She's gone, Cal." I let out a strangled sob into his bare chest and cling to him tightly. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't need to and we both know that, he just keeps his arms around me securely until I'm ready to pull back. I follow him silently inside, the only noise being my soft cries and sniffles. He reaches out his hand, and I take it, grateful for any kind of contact at the moment.

He leads me upstairs and starts to go to the guest room, but I tug his hand till he looks at me. I shake my head, I can't be alone right now. He smiles softly at me in understanding, and leads me to his room with him.

He sits me down on the edge of the bed and rummages around in his drawers a bit. He pulls out a T-shirt and sweatpants and hands them to me. He goes out into the hall and closes the door for me to change quickly. I like that we haven't had to speak, that he knows I can't right now, so he just silently takes care of me and makes sure I'm ok.

I despise sleeping in pants, but the T-shirt is long enough to cover me to my mid thigh and I figure that's good enough. I leave the folded pants on the dresser and shuffle over to open the door and allow him back inside. I note how his eyes widened for the briefest moment when he saw my bare legs, but he quickly composed himself. He closed the door behind him and once again took my hand, leading me to the side of the bed and letting me settle in before he flipped the lights off. I feel the bed dip beside me as he settles himself on his side of the bed, leaving a distance between us.

"Calum?" I whisper into the darkness, hoping he hears me.

"Yea, Cass do you need something?" He responds tiredly.

"Could you um.. hold me.. It's ok if you don't want t-" before I can finish he's already closed the space between us and pulled my back flush against his chest. I'm overtaken by the feeling of the hole in my chest shrinking. I knew I missed him, and part of the hole was full of missing him. I didn't realize how much comfort I would find in him. I needed so badly to have him close right now, I've never felt safer than I do in his arms.

I know that he isn't just someone, because just anyone wouldn't take up the space in my chest the way that he could. I didn't want just anyone, I wanted him.