Wish You Were Here

Part Ten: Forgiveness

We spent the day walking around parks, and museums. We laughed so much I'm sure my stomach will be sore tomorrow. I like spending time with him, it was so easy. We had lunch, and ice cream and he showed me so many cool spots in LA I never would've known. There was never a dull moment, or an awkward silence, it was just us together and I liked that.

Something changed when we pulled in the driveway and I saw an unfamiliar car. Calum immediately tensed up next to me and muttered something under his breath.

"He's here." He whispers quietly and my heart sinks. I wasn't prepared for this at all, anxiety started to take over my body. I have to do this for myself, I have to prove to myself that I can be strong.

He places his hand on my knee and turns towards me.

"We can go somewhere else until they get rid of him." He stares into my eyes as he says it so I know he's telling me the truth. I know he'd take me away from here if I couldn't handle it.

"I can handle it." I tell him, taking a deep breath before exiting the car. I caught up to Cal who was walking fast and with purpose. I reach for his hand, needing to feel that he's here with me through this.

As soon as he opens the door I'm met with a mix of yelling from different directions. I flinch away at the sound, I can tell the energy is hostile. He keeps hold of my hand and makes sure he's in front of me as we approach.

"So what you're fucking my friends now! Is this some sort of sick way to get back at me?" He yells as we enter the room, fear enveloping me entirely at his harsh words.

"I thought you were a lot of things, but a slut wasn't one of them." He spits angrily and I bite my tongue trying not to cry over him again.

"Don't fucking speak about her like that." Ashton is up and yelling at Luke with barely a foot between them. I'm trying to hold my own and not panic.

"I actually cared about you, Cass. I really did, but look at what you're doing. What the fuck?!" He slams his hands on the table, I let go of Calum's hand.

"You only care about yourself. The only reason you even pretend to give a fuck about me is because it makes your blood boil that you can't have me." I'm out from behind Calum with my finger pointing at Luke as I scream the words.

"You're a fucking ego maniac, and it kills you that you almost had me. I'm not going to fall at your feet, EVER!

I have too much self respect to be your toy. Oh, and guess what? I'm not fucking any of your friends, but I could if I wanted to because you don't own me. I was never yours and I never will be. Grow the fuck up and learn to respect women, then maybe you won't end up as alone as you are now."

My ears are ringing from the force of my words, and I'm seeing red from all of my anger. I've backed him into a wall and I'm in his face, he's completely taken aback. The anger faded from his expression and was replaced with shock, and pain. The room is so quiet that my labored breathing is the only sound to be heard. I step back from him, satisfied with my outburst. I know my words were harsh, but I've held this heartbreak too close for weeks now. I needed to tell him.

"I.. I'm sorry, Cassy." He says, causing me to turn and meet his eyes. I can tell he's tearing up, so I break my gaze away from him. He runs out of the room and I hear the front door slam.

"That was so badass, Cass." Rach says, the first to speak up after a while of silence. I seat myself on the couch feeling the anger radiate from my body. He had no right to do that to me, any of it.

"Are you ok?" Cal kneels in front of me, trying to take my hand but I pull back. My breathing is heavy, my body is shaking, and I'm so angry. He's gone and my mind is left spinning through all of my pure anger and hatred. I spent weeks trying to forget him, I drank myself sick and couldn't leave my house. I thought I loved him... but he was always too busy balls deep in some other girl. I want to forgive him, I don't love him, and I didn't love him. All of my pain has turned to anger, and I feel it flowing through my veins. I should've punched him, or maybe said more. I could never articulate the pain he caused.

I keep trying to calm down but I'm buzzing from all my emotions. Everyone is staring at me, waiting for me to react, or do anything. There's concern plastered on all of their faces, and every set of eyes is glued to me. I can't stand being the center of attention like this, I feel like a zoo animal.

"I need to think." I finally speak up, jumping up off the couch and out the back door as fast as I can. I lay myself down on the cool grass, focusing on the dark sky and my breathing. As I start to settle down and allow the anger to dissolve I begin attempting to process things.

I actually feel... better. I needed to confront him and scream in his face about the time I lost and the pain I felt. As soon as I remember those words 'maybe you won't end up as alone as you are now' my heart breaks for him. I'm no longer clouded by my own heartbreak, and I can see that he's hurting too. Maybe he did care, maybe it hurt him too when he fucked up. I pick up my phone and take a breath before dialing.

"C-cass?" His voice is hoarse and weak. I can tell he's been crying, he sounds scared. I've never heard him sound so small.

"Hey, Lu. I uh, I wanted to call and apologize. I shouldn't have said some of the things I did, I was being awful, and I'm sorry. I want us to settle this and be friends, I still care about you." I bite my lip waiting for his answer. We both hurt each other too much, it's time to fix it.

"I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am, Cass. I don't know why I did it, or how I could hurt you. I really do care about you. I always have. You're not.." I hear him take a breath, and pause again.

"You're not a slut, Cass. If anyone is, it's me. I sat there and ruined the best thing that could've ever happened to me for the sake of partying. I'm a mess, and I wanted to call you every day but I knew you didn't want to talk to me. I want.. no I need you in my life, Cass." I feel the weight lift from my shoulders listening to him. His voice is so quiet, it's a side of him I'm not used to, it's like a child apologizing for a big mistake.

"I forgive you, Luke. I'd really like to have you in my life, we're going to be great friends. You're a good person, but I think you got lost. I'm going to try to help you, as your friend, to find yourself again, Lu." I wish he could see the smile on my face right now, how happy I am to be ok with him again.

"Thank you, I can't ever thank you enough. I love you, Cassandra I really do." I hear the words catch in his throat, I know he's crying again.

"I love you too, Luke. Don't cry anymore, everything will be ok. We'll figure it out, I know how big your heart is, you just need to work on things." I speak softly to him, wishing I could hold him until he can stop crying. I can't though, so I listen to him cry and tell him as many times as he needs to hear it that he's loved and everything will be ok. Before hanging up I agree to see him while I'm in LA, and we promise to stay in touch after I leave.

The house is quiet once I finally come inside. I must have been out there longer than I thought, everyone seems to have gone to bed. I walk slowly up the stairs as quietly as I can, trying not to wake the whole house. I notice the door to the guest room is open, with light pouring out into the hallway. I silently creep down the hall, peering into the room I'm staying in. On the bed laying down on top of all the covers is a familiar boy with tan skin and messy dark hair. I have to bite my cheek to keep from laughing.

"Cal.. hey, wake up." I whisper and shake his shoulder lightly. He jolts awake looking very confused.

"I was waiting for you... wanted to make sure you're ok." He says, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"I uh.. I called him. We talked stuff out, and we're ok now." I tell him, shifting my eyes to the floor.

"You got back with him? Are you serious, Cass?! Do you love him? You're just taking him back after everything...." His voice is laced with sorrow. He gets up off of the bed and heads for the door. I grab his hand and pull him back, I kick the door shut lightly and pull him to sit on the bed.

"Calum, I told him we can be friends. That's it. I don't love him, well I do love him as a friend. I don't have romantic feelings for him at all anymore. I didn't want to hurt anymore and I don't want him to be hurting either." I say, still holding his hand and hoping he doesn't pull away.

"I don't understand how you could forgive him at all. It's not my choice though, and I'm glad you're at least not going to date him." He still sounds hurt as he says it, but at least he's not pissed anymore. I don't have the energy to prove my point or argue so I leave it alone. I tell him I'm exhausted to get him out, but really I'm anything but tired.

I'm not sure what Rach has planned for tomorrow, but I need to get away from these boys for at least a few hours.