Wish You Were Here

Part 22: Always Leaving

"What do you mean you haven't told him?" Rachel snaps at me.

It's been a week since my talk with Cal where we made up. I've slept in his room with him every night and we've been inseparable. Yet here I am sitting side by side with Ray on the edge of the bed in the guest room as I pack my belongings away into my suitcase.

"I didn't know how!" I stop my frantic packing and cover my face with my hands.

"Cass, we're leaving tomorrow, you know we have to. It's only a few hour drive anyway it isn't like you won't see him again." She says as I feel her hand slip onto my shoulder, pulling me down to lay my head into her lap.

"What if I don't? I fucked up by not telling him sooner. I've basically told him my entire life story and I'm worried he'll feel betrayed that I kept this from him."

I let out another exasperated sigh and feel tears start to fill my eyes. I clamp my eyes shut in a pathetic attempt to will them away. I hate having to leave, I don't ever want to be away from him if I don't have to. The thing is though, I have to go home for this, I can't miss it. I've never missed it, not once before and I won't start now.

— — —

*Calum's POV*

"We're leaving tomorrow."

That's all I heard before I turned around and sulked back to my bedroom. I hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but the door was cracked and as I lifted my fist to knock I heard those awful words.

What if she's sick of me or I did something wrong? The thoughts that are spinning through my head are making me dizzy as I consider every possible way I might have made her hate me.

She's running away from me. That has to be it... but I think I love her, I've thought from the very beginning that I have. I knew from the moment she pulled me in for a hug that first night and whispered in my ear that I'd never be able to shake this feeling. Her voice sent a shiver down my spine and the feeling of her hands set my skin on fire. It was in that moment that I knew I wanted to protect her, hold her, and love her for as long as she would have me. I know now that even long after she won't have me that my feelings for her can't change, they won't even if I begged for my heart to let her go.

I see her face on a loop in my mind whenever I close my eyes, even though she's been right next to me. The sound of her sweet laugh lulls me to sleep, far away from everything in the world.. I love the tickle of her tangled her on my face when I wake up in the morning, and the way she sounds when her voice is tired. I love her soft skin and the way that all of my shirts and hoodies nearly fall to her knees. I love that the sleeves are so long she always tucks her hands into them. I love that she always has to wear thick socks, even though sometimes she puts her ice cold bare feet against my legs so I'll get out of bed to get them. I even love her soft snores and how sometimes she mumbles in her sleep.

I hate that I haven't gotten to tell her how I really feel. I'm lucky enough to hold her every night, but I've never known what it meant to her. I've laid awake plenty of nights with my arms wrapped tightly around her and wondered how her lips might feel pressed against my own. It seems now that I'll never get to find out and the thought is driving me insane. I wanted to give her time after Luke, I know how much that hurt her and I wouldn't want her to jump into anything. I won't deny that the thought of being her rebound crossed my mind and I know I'd never recover from that. I've had girlfriends before, and plenty of one night stands, but there's no part of me that wouldn't miss her if she left me. Even just the thought of losing her makes my chest tighten painfully.

My thoughts are brewing a storm in my mind, whirling in hurricane force gusts through my conscience. As I'm spiraling myself down mentally, I physically stare at the ceiling of my bedroom. I'm taunted by the ghost of dips in the sheets next to me, knowing she won't be sleeping next to me anymore.

A soft knock sounds at my door, one so soft that I know exactly the delicate creature it belongs to. She pokes her head in and smiles at me, her voice slips so soft and sweet past her lips,

"Cal, can we talk?"

My heart shatters as the sound hangs in the air, thick like molasses sliding down every wall in my room.

"Uh...yeah come in."

I don't look up at her, I can't. I keep my eyes glued to the ceiling as I feel the gravity of the mattress shift, letting me know that she's now only inches away. If I touched her skin now it would burn in a different way, searing pain deep into my fingertips. For a while neither of us speaks, I wonder if her mind is rushing like mine, or if she's hurting even a little at all.

I would hope that breaking my heart irreparably would affect her, but maybe I'm wrong.

__ ___ ___

*Cass's POV*

"Will you look at me please?"

I know I said I wanted to talk, but he looks so hurt already and I can't stand to see him like this. I had to go home eventually he had to know that, but it's not like I'm saying goodbye forever. I hate knowing that I could be the thing hurting him.

He finally turns to look at me. In that single moment I feel all of the air leave my lungs, his eyes are lifeless, bloodshot, and swollen.

"Have you been crying? Did something happen?" I reached out to touch him but he flinched away. My heart collapses into my chest, he's never pulled away from me.

"Just say it, whatever it is just tell me." His voice is dull and laced with pain in a way I've never heard from him. With each passing second my heart breaks even more at the thought that he's keeping something from me. Something had to have happened, but why won't he tell me?

I start playing with my hands in my lap, I wish he would hold them but I can feel the tension surrounding us that says he won't.

"I have to go home tomorrow... there's something I have to do. I should've told you sooner that I'm leaving but I was scared to. It's not that I want to go, but I'll regret it if I don't."

My voice finally breaks at the end and I can feel tears pooling in my eyes, threatening to spill. I don't want to leave him, I never want to leave him.

"That's it then? The only explanation you have is that you have to go do something and you're leaving just like that?" His tone is flat and harsh. I look up and force him to lock eyes with me, I see a flash of pain in his that matches mine.

"I-I don't understand. I know I should've told you sooner. What's going on Cal? Before I came in here what was wrong?" I fight past my own weakness to force the words out.

"I don't know, Cass why don't you tell me what the hell is going on?" He snaps at me with an angry fire in his eyes, causing me to coil back into myself.

"I just have to go home for a while! It's only a few hours a-and I can call if you want o-or come back to visit if you want to s-see me. I have to go for him or I'll never forgive myself. Why were you so upset before, how would I know? Why won't you talk to me?" I choke my words out between sobs until I'm yelling broken words at him that are hardly recognizable.

His face falls, and all of the color is drained from it. He stares wide eyed at me full of hurt and confusion.

"HIM. Oh my god I'm so fucking stupid. Don't call... please don't. Just go Cassandra." He rolls his body to face away from me, his voice thick from holding back the tears.

I don't say another word, I choke out a gasping sob and run back to the guest room.