Wish You Were Here

Part 32: Guilty // Not Without You

They found him completely and utterly guilty of all charges. When they announced his sentence, thirty years with no chance of parole at all, I started to cry.

Tears of joy ran down my face as I cried with a smile. I won, I fucking won and he's going to prison for so long.

I cried and hugged my family, my sort of step dad, my sister for life, and all of my boys.

Connor looked back at me with a tear filled glare so full of hatred and contempt. I raised my eyebrows at him before smirking. I play to win and I've called checkmate on him twice now. He should've known better than to start a fight he couldn't finish.

I felt at peace for once, but I had a gut feeling it wouldn't last.

— — —

We went and celebrated. We had dinner and drinks and they gave speeches in my honor that made me cry like the baby I am.

Something was wrong with Cal though, he seemed off. His energy was tense and anxious while everyone else was overjoyed. It made me nervous and I hated it, so once we laid down in his bed I turned to him to ask.

"Cal, what's wrong? I can tell something is wrong."

He let out a sigh, proving to me that I'm right, and I already knew I was.

"I want to ask you something." His voice is quiet, and even in the dark I can tell he's staring right at me.

"We have to finish the tour soon... and I want you to come with us."

For the briefest moment I could've sworn all of the air left the room,

"Cal, baby I-I can't do that." I said nervously, started to play with the ends of my hair out of habit.

He stared at me silently with a look of pure shock on his face.

"What do you mean? You can write on the road and I know you don't want to go back to the apartment. You can't stay with Rachel forever so why not?"

I took a breath, trying to figure out how to explain myself. I opened my mouth and slammed it shut a few times before actually gaining the courage to speak.

"I can write on the road but I won't and I know I won't. I also can't just run away from my problems. I have to face it or I'll never move on. I'd hate being on the road. I'd be grumpy and miserable and eventually you'd all resent me for it."

I know he's getting frustrated... he's angry. I could tell the second his breathing picked up.

"I won't go without you. I won't leave you here again, I can't do it."

There's a tinge of sadness behind his harsh tone, just enough to make my heart ache for him.

"Calum... baby you have to go. The boys need you, the fans need you. I'll be okay here, I have to work through this here and not run from it. I need to find a new place, and get all of my stuff out of the old one. I have deadlines to meet and meetings with people. I'm sorry but I just can't." I sigh at the end, I hate having to say no to him. I know it's hurting him which makes it worse, but I have to do this for myself right now.

"I can't see you get hurt again! I can't protect you if I'm across the fucking country, Cassandra." He snaps at me and it causes me to flinch away from him. The space in the sheets signifying the rift I feel forming between us.

"We can't change that you weren't here. We can't change what happened and it is not your fault. You had to go then and you have to go now and I'll be just fine." I try to reason with him, to be the calm force between us as his anger bubbles to a peak.

"I never fucking wanted to leave you! God do you think I ever wanted to leave when I knew what he was capable of?! Ever since that day it's been killing me that I couldn't be there. I won't make the same mistake again. I'm supposed to protect you and I failed you... I fucking failed you and I'm so sorry."

His anger quickly takes a turn, the yelling slowly dissolving into sobs as he chokes out the feelings that have been strangling him.

"Baby, p-please I can't leave you here. I-I..." I shush him and throw my arms around him, closing the space between us without knowing if it's the right thing to do.

But I love him and he's hurting. I may be too afraid to say it... but I do love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone or anything. I love him more than I love the smell of rain, or the first snowfall of the season. I love him more than tulips, or sunshine, or Christmas cookies, and candles that smell like vanilla.

I love him in a way that makes it physically hurt to be away from him even though I have to be too much. I love him with every ounce of my being in a way that I could never belong to anyone else.

My heart is held tightly in his closed fist at all times even if he doesn't know it.

To me he is love.

The mere definition to me is the light behind his eyes when he's watching me and thinks I don't see him. It's in the way he runs his thumb across my cheek when he's holding my face. It's the way he wipes my tears for me and calls me baby. It's his sweet smile that scrunches his nose and how he throws his head back when he laughs.

I know I'll never love anyone in the way I love him. A love this powerful and pure is impossible to duplicate and I can only hope like hell that he loves me too. I've begged every last star in the sky that he never leaves me...that he doesn't find someone else. I've begged the sun and the moon, and gods I'm not sure I even believe in, I begged the universe itself that he loves me how I love him.

But he pulled away from me quickly and brushed my arms off of his neck. He stood up from the bed and took his pillow with him, shattering me into a billion pieces as he spoke

"I'm sorry, Cass. I-I can't do this. I can't leave you when I-I.... fuck I can't stay with you Cassy I'm sorry." He spoke quietly and shut the door behind him.

The tears came fast and in abundance as my poor heart broke more than it ever has before. I wailed as I cried, not stifling a sound, not caring who heard. I thought I knew pain, and I thought I knew heartbreak.

Nothing could've prepared me for the ache in my chest when he walked out of the room. It physically hurt as I pulled my knees to my chest and let out loud sobs until the door opened again.

It wasn't him.

I wanted it to be him.

"Cass... Cassy what happened? Where's Calum?" I let out a sob that sounded more like a scream at the mention of his name. That was all he needed to hear, he knew what happened. I heard him mutter under his breath,

"Fucking idiot bastard." Before picking up my limp body and taking me to his room.

He put me on the bed where I curled into myself again, still sobbing so hard that my head pounded and my throat burned.

"I'm so sorry Cassy. He's an idiot and I'm so sorry. Please... you have to breathe, Cass." He kept his voice soft and small, treading lightly around the subject.

"He left me. He fucking left me Michael." I continued wailing to my best friend, unable to tell him what happened, but I have a feeling he already knows.

I cried until my body was too weak to stay awake. I fell asleep there, curled up with tear stained cheeks as my best friend tried and failed to console me. There was no consoling me when my heart had been ripped from my chest. I was sad and empty because he took too much of me with him.

It almost didn't feel real until I woke up screaming from my nightmare because his arms weren't around me.