Wish You Were Here

35: I love you I love you its disgusting

I woke up to Michael shaking me gently, and the sounds of car doors closing.

"We're here, love. It's time to go inside." He says gently, as I lift my head up off his shoulder and yawn.

I climb out of the car with him following behind me, looking up at the familiar house.
Even just being here forms an ache in my chest, and it hits me how scared I am to see him. I'm scared to see him hurting, and for him to see how hurt I am.

I'm terrified I'll fall right back into his arms again and end up in pieces.

"You'll be fine." I hadn't noticed my legs had stopped moving halfway up the driveway, but Michael is right behind me and I'm frozen in place. He takes my hand, encouraging me to keep going.

"He hasn't left his room in days, so we're not quite sure of his state. He was bad when we last saw him though." Ashton explains once we're all standing around the kitchen island. I nod silently and take a deep breath. I have to rip the bandaid off, because if I don't do it now I never will.

I ascend the stairs slowly and make my way down the all too familiar hallway until I'm in front of his door. I knock lightly and don't receive a response. I knock louder, and am only met with a weak groan that comes through the door.

I try the handle, successfully finding it unlocked. I turn the handle slowly with nerves encapsulating my entire body.

I enter the room to see a blob in the bed, buried under covers much like I was myself.

"I said I didn't want to talk." A gruff voice comes from the motionless pile. His voice is deep and scratchy like after he's cried a bit too much. I make my way to the bed, sitting down on the side where I used to sleep. I place a warm hand on top of the pile of blankets.

He starts to stir, and I pull the blanket down a bit in an attempt to find his face.

When I finally do, I'm met with too many emotions all at once. There's so much anger, sadness, pain, shame, guilt, and heartbreak filling my body from top to bottom. His usual warm brown eyes are dull and bloodshot, his face swollen and red from fallen tears. It breaks my heart to see him like that.

"Cass...you're here. How are you here? I didn't think I'd see you again." His voice is so full of confusion and pain. He scans my face carefully, and I know he can see the pain I've been in. I watch as his eyes begin to fill with tears.

"I came to talk, I guess." I tell him softly. I can't help but reach my hand out to cup his face and wipe the fresh tears.

"I'm so sorry, Cassy. I'm so so sorry."

He breaks then, full on sobs racking his body that mirror how I know we've both spent the last month. There's sincerity in his pain, just as much as there is in mine. So much so that my heart aches to stop him from hurting, and even more so makes me believe him.

"I know you are, Cal."

"I love you. I mean it, I promise you I do." He says, and I smile weakly at him before settling myself to lay and face him.

"I know. I love you too."

"You do?" He questions, his face full of nervousness as he looks into my eyes.

"Of course I do, Calum. I told you I'd never stop loving you and I meant that." I swallow hard, trying to force the ever growing lump in my throat down.

"I didn't sleep with anyone else... that night Cass, I didn't. I-I kissed one girl at the bar but it made me feel so awful because I couldn't get you out of my head. I stayed out trying to think of how to tell you how stupid I was to think I could live without you. It all just blew up after that and I'm so sorry."