Wish You Were Here

35: Pâquerette

Today is one month without him, on the third day I packed up my things and came back to my old apartment. I don't call it home anymore.

I had to leave the LA house kicking and screaming because no one approved of me living here. Even if I hold some of my worst memories here, I had good ones too and I was desperate for familiarity.

The worst part is that once I got here I felt worse than I did before. My boxes of pictures from when I told Calum all about my dad are still scattered on the bedroom floor. I threw the couch away because it was stained with blood. It's like I'm living in my own nightmare and I know it.

But I can't go back, because he's there. He's there and I love him more than anything, and I need him like he's the air I breathe. Even when they're gone on tour I can feel him everywhere in that house.

I thought I'd start to feel better, like I was at rock bottom and the only way left to go was up. Instead just as I begin to wake up every morning I hope it was all a bad dream. When I open my eyes though I'm still in my old bedroom, with the other side of the bed cold and empty.

Everyday my heart is more broken than the day before, and each day the void he left within me continues to grow. I knew I'd never fully move on from him, but I didn't think it could be this hard.

I miss him so much that I had to start ignoring the other boys, and even Ray. It all reminds me of him too much, and I know they're worried but they ask me if I'm okay and I never want to tell them the truth. When they talk to me in soft, sad voices full of worry it's only a reminder that I'm broken.

Because of this I haven't spoken to anyone in a week. Truthfully I think that's when I stopped trying to keep myself alive. I've hardly moved an inch since then and I'm living off of old crackers I found in my pantry and a single glass of water on my bedside table.
After the past few months I feel like even the strongest person would give up after losing the only person that kept you going. At least that's what I told myself when I gave up.

The thing is, without Cal, I would never have made it this far. Now that I've lost him, I don't feel the reason to stay anymore, to wake up in the morning, write books, eat, or breathe. All my sense of self preservation is gone and I basically decided to waste away into nothing.

I had to turn my phone off when ignoring their calls wasn't working. The constant buzzing of texts and calls started to drive me insane. I'm sleeping off a constant exhaustion that never seems to end.

The boys left again the day after I left the house to finish the last bit of the tour. I find myself staring at the ceiling for hours each day imagining that Calum is happy without me.

I bet he's out there on tour with a new girl every night while I can barely force myself out of bed to pee anymore.

— — —

A loud banging on my door snaps me out of my hours of staring at the ceiling. Whoever it is goes on for a few minutes, but I can't bring myself to get up. To my surprise it stops eventually, and I allow myself to fully relax into my pillow once again.

The silence only lasts a minute, and then I hear the splintering of wood as my front door is literally broken off of its hinges. I pull my blankets up over my head fully, curling my knees up to my chest.

"Cass? Cassy?" There's shouting from the entryway, and I just let out a weak groan.

"Fucking hell." They're much closer now, and there's mumbling from a few different voices.

The blankets are pulled off of me and I'm met by four pairs of familiar eyes staring down at me.

"You scared us to death!" Michael shouts at me, and I just look up at him with a weak frown on my face.

"You have to get up, Cass. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself." He speaks again, softer with eyes full of concern.

"You need to talk to him, Cassandra please." I snap my head over, shocked to hear the words come from Rachel.

"No, no I can't." My voice is hoarse from a perpetually dry throat, thick with past tears.

"Please... we're losing both of you." I feel a familiar pang in my chest as I turn my head again. I lock eyes with Luke, his blue eyes bloodshot and welled with tears quickly threatening to spill.

"He's not okay... we had to end the tour early. He's been a fucking mess, always in tears, angry, blaming himself, and trying to drink it away." Ashton steps up, always being the level head of the group.

"We know what he did. I'm so sorry, but you know I'd never steer you back to someone who doesn't deserve you. I'd never intentionally push you in the direction of someone that wasn't worth your love. But Cassy you need each other, we can all see that." Ray picks up again, grabbing one of my tired hands in her own.

"H-he left me, he slept with someone else." I mumble quietly, the words burning my tongue as I'm forced to speak them. She nods in response, informing me that they know the full truth.

"He did, and he's regretted everything he did more than I've ever seen from him. I've never seen him hurt like this. I've never seen you hurt like this, and it's so obvious that you two love each other and need each other." Michael tries to reassure me, but I'm still limp and tired physically and emotionally.

I bite my bottom lip to hold back the tears, nodding weakly at them.

"We're going to help you. It's going to be okay." He reaches for me and squeezes my other hand.

"Alright boys, let's get her up." Ray says, and I whine from lack of energy and will to be alive.

I'm lifted up by Ashton, and carried to the bathroom with Ray quickly following behind.

"How dehydrated are you? I don't even want to know how many days it's been since you've drank or eaten." She says calmly, shooing the boys out of the room after I'm steady. I give her a vague answer in regard to how horribly dehydrated I am and she sighs in response.

She leaves the room for a moment, shouting demands at the boys like they're little toy soldiers and she's the commander. She swiftly returns with a glass of water, and a smile. She insists on staying in the room while I take a bath with the curtains drawn. Her voice humming softly, and asking if I need any help repeatedly. She helps me up once I'm wrapped in a towel, finally clean after days. I hate to admit that even just that one bath made me feel a bit better. I finish the glass of water after she insists that I do, and let her dress me in clothes she picked from my closet.

I hadn't noticed the lack of three boys in my semi dazed state, but they soon returned with bags from my favorite restaurant.

We eat together quietly, me only managing to get a small portion down, but it satisfies them still.

"We'll get going soon. I've got plenty of water, and there's coffee for you in the car." Michael says smiling down at me, I smile back as sincerely as I can and we all abandon our places at the table.

"I've already packed you a bag per Rach's instructions, so we should be ready to go." Ashton says clapping his hands excitedly as we make our way to the door. He picks up my backpack that he must have packed, slinging it over his shoulder and ushering us all out the door.

We settle in Ashton's car with him driving, Ray riding up front in the passenger seat, Luke in the first back row, and Michael and I in the very back. He sat by the window, and I sat in the middle seat right next to him instead of leaving a space.

"I missed you, Cass." He whispers once we've started moving.

"I know. I missed you too." I respond, leaning into him which he immediately accepts. I rest my head on his shoulder with his arm slung lazily around me. I really did desperately miss my friends this past month and I'm not sure anymore why I decided to isolate myself.

The next thing I knew I was dozing off on his shoulder, ignoring the damp patch my freshly washed hair was leaving on his hoodie.