Wish You Were Here

Part 17: Don't Leave

I have a history of being too much for people. It started when my dad got sick and I started missing birthday parties, or showing up to friends houses at all. I dropped out of soccer and ballet, which resulted in me filling out more due to the lack of exercise and hitting puberty. I got insecure about having wider hips, and I hated the attention I started getting because of my body. I only retreated further into myself and away from everything else.

People stopped coming around, and I can't say I blame them for giving up on me. It got worse when he died, I disappeared for a while and didn't know how to cope. My mom wasn't coping, she was going out all of the time. She'd stumbles in from the club in the middle of the night, and I'd make sure she got to bed without hurting herself. Then one night when she was out she met Ron, and they fell in love and forgot about me even though I was barely fourteen. I was so withdrawn that I only spoke to Rachel, and her parents when I had to. I didn't want to put the weight of my world on their shoulders. I didn't want anyone to carry the pain that I held in my heart.

If I'd get close to someone and open up it all came out like a dam breaking. They'd have to see the real, horrible, raw version of me that I keep locked away. No one really ever wanted to hold onto me after they found out. They didn't want drunk calls from my apartment roof, or to read my shitty books, or to peel me off of the fucking pavement when I finally jumped. It was never all at once though, it was always a slow disappearing act. It was excuses as to why they couldn't see me, ignored texts, and missed phone calls.

My biggest fear right now, the worst thing that could happen to me would be if I lost these boys or Rach. It took no time at all after meeting them to find a permanent cavity in my chest carved out just for them. I stopped letting people in a long time ago after the cycle of abandonment became too much. I was twenty one years old and I was fed up. That's the last time I saw the same guy more than once, and the last time I even considered dating until Luke.

When that happened... when he happened I was ready to swear off love forever. There's been a nagging in my brain though since we came here, and I met the two remaining boys. I don't know what it means, or what I'm feeling. What I do know is that without him in my life I'd feel emptier than I've ever felt before. It's this hollowness that burns in my chest when I can't be near him, and the sense of security I feel when I can be with him. I can't ever get him out of my head, every thought is clouded over with warm brown eyes and messy hair. I didn't look for it, and I didn't ask for it, if I could turn my feelings off I would. Usually I could turn them off, but with him it's different and I just can't shake it.

This is the worst possible time to start a relationship, and I think he sees my as a friend anyway. The thought of being without him rips through my heart every day, and not knowing hovers over me like a dark shadow.

We've yet to move from our position and I don't know how much time has passed. Nothing has been said in a while, and I've stopped crying. The only sounds to be heard is our breathing, I'm so wrapped up in my circling thoughts. Not even the comfort of his embrace can stop the dizzying thoughts in my head, I haven't known him long enough to be this conflicted.

Our moment of silence is broken by the sound of the doorbell downstairs, I don't know who it could be but the boys can handle it.

At least I thought they could, but there's a knock on the bedroom door that tells me otherwise. I tighten my grip on the boy next to me, not willing to let him go.

"What could you guys possibly want?!" He yells in the direction of the door, causing me to flinch from the volume.

"Sorry, sweetheart I didn't mean to startle you." He says softly before placing a kiss to my forehead. Sweetheart is now spinning through my head and making my heart hammer against my chest. I melt further into him, nuzzling my face into his shoulder.