Wish You Were Here

Part Thirteen: Gone // Fear

"Please open up, Cass. I didn't mean it like that.."

There's soft tapping on the door as he pleads with me to let him in. I can't keep doing this but I don't know how to be any different. I don't know how to not let my emotions control me, or how to stop crying so much, or how to bottle it up so I'm not a burden. I've always worn my emotions all over my face, and I feel so strongly. It seems like a fucking curse at this point, if I could make it stop I would. If I could just go back and never meet Luke so that I could still be shut down enough, I'd do it.

I use every last ounce of energy I have to clean myself up and act normal. I make sure all of my things are packed up from the weekend on time. He gave up eventually on knocking and trying to talk to me. It's time to wrap my heart up in thorns and say goodbye to everyone. My hair is fixed, I applied light makeup, and put on some shorts and a light sweater.

I lay my bags by the door, and greet Rachel in the kitchen.

"Ready to go?" I ask her in a chipper voice, with my best smile on. Cal is at the table with his head down, but he shoots his head up to look at me when he hears my voice.

"Uh, yeah I'm ready." Rach says, giving me a weird look. She knows this side of me too well, and I don't think she'll be happy to see it again.

Michael, and Ashton finally join us and we all walk out to the driveway together. I stop to grab my bags on the way out, and am stopped by a firm hand on my wrist.

"Are you ok? We never finished talking.." He spun me around to face him, and all I can do is smile again.

"Yep! I'm fine, just ready to hit the road. Hopefully we can get home before it's too dark out." The smile that's plastered to my face is burning my cheeks. I can tell he knows I'm not acting normal, he could read me the second we met.

"Cass.. you're being.. weird." His face is full of worry, a look I know too well from him.

"I don't want to be a burden anymore, so I'm not going to be. That's it, that's all there is to it." His hand is still on my wrist and my stomach is doing flips. The burning ache in my chest has yet to dull, it just keeps growing. I don't like feeling like I'm lying to him, and I don't like having to leave. I don't want to be away from him, I want to hang out every day and go to the zoo or an art museum and laugh until we can't breathe.

"I'm going to miss you, so so much." I allow sincerity to break through, I reach up to place a hand on his cheek. My smile falters and tears start to rise in my eyes as I remember that I don't know when I'll see him again.

"I'll miss you too, Cass. I'm uh.. I really.. god I'm going to miss you so much." His eyes are glassy, and we need to head out to meet the others. He drops my wrist and I show a real smile, a much softer one that's only for him. He takes my bags from me and packs them up in the trunk before joining everyone else. Rachel and Ashton are clinging to each other, and I can hear her soft cries. They break away and I give him a brief hug, along with Michael before moving back to the hardest goodbye. He looks at me one last time before embracing me.

"You're not a burden. You'll never be a burden to me, I promise." He whispers softly so only I can hear while he holds me tight. I don't respond verbally, I just cling tighter to him and try my best not to cry.

"It's not that far, Cass. I'll visit whenever I can, I'll call you every day. I'll never be far, I'm always here if you need me." I pull away from him finally, nodding silently and sniffling.

He sends me a soft smile, but I know neither of us are happy at this moment. He's quickly become such an important person in my life, one I constantly crave approval from, I never tire of talking to him and I miss his presence whenever he isn't near.

He reaches out and brushes my hair out of my face,

"Get going so you're home before dark, ok? Let me know you've made it home, and please drive safe." He leaves a gentle kiss on the top of my head before stepping back.

God he's so unbelievably soft and it makes my heart swell. He has to know that I'm safe and just the thought of that alone makes me feel warm all over. I wish with my whole heart that I didn't have to ever leave his side. It's like I'm leaving a part of myself here in LA and it fucking hurts.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on with you and Calum?" I snap my head over to Rach when she says it. I can see the smirk on her face as I stare at her with wide eyes.

"What do you mean? He's a friend, Ray. A very good friend." I can't help but notice how I trail off at the end, my voice carrying so much emotion and sentiment that the sweetness could rot my teeth.

"Don't fucking play with me, Cassandra! There's no way you're just friends with him. I overheard you two fighting earlier, he's so concerned over the Luke thing. I promise you he has more than one reason to worry that you'll go back to Luke." Her suggestive tone and shit eating grin earn an intense eye roll from me.

"Oh please, he's very nice and we're good friends. That's it, Ray." I tell her the absolute truth. It doesn't matter anyway, he doesn't see me like that. Of course I've had to scold myself a few times to keep thoughts of being more than his friend at bay, he doesn't see me like that.

"Does he know that you're just friends?! That boy has eyes for you and it's so obvious! The way he looks at you is almost nauseating; it's so adorable." She snorts and slaps her hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter. Her words play like a soundtrack in my head and a warmth spreads throughout my body.

Even the thought that he might look at me a certain way makes me unable to think about anything else. I know Ray can tell because she falls silent with a smug smile on her face.

If I'm being completely honest with myself, I'd say that I don't know how I feel. There's just something about him that I can't place... and there's all of these feelings I don't know what to do with. The way that everywhere he touches my skin feels like it glows with warmth, or how I desperately need his approval over anyone else's, it's the ache in my chest, and the emptiness when I can't be near him. I've chewed my nails down, and assaulted my poor cuticles to the point that I'm tasting the copper tang of blood. I don't know how I'm supposed to act, live, or breathe as miles are placed between Calum and I. If he is just a friend would I be feeling like this? Am I forcing myself into denial?

Before I know it we arrive at my apartment, and I can't believe that I spent two hours completely consumed by thoughts of him. I've always felt pathetic when giving a man more than a moment of my time. I'm more than weary in regard to baring my heart to the best friend of the guy that just broke my heart. It seems fucked up and wrong that I'm even contemplating my feelings for my somewhat of an ex's best friend. It's not like I meant for it to happen, and Luke and I were more of a fling anyway. It also isn't lost on me that I'm fighting very hard to justify that I'm allowed to have feelings for him, while also trying to deny that I do.

I pinch the bridge of my nose and let out a sigh. How very on brand of me to knot myself up in all of these thoughts.

Before I can get too wrapped up though, my phone begins ringing. I see a name that I never thought I'd see on my incoming call screen ever again, and it nearly makes my knees give out.

Incoming from: Mom