Wish You Were Here

Part 19: Always Running

It's been four days since I had that conversation with the boys. It's been four days since Calum has spoken to me at all, he's barely looked at me. He's been hiding in his room for the most part, and I've been planning the funeral with Ron.

We went to see lawyers and have the will read, and just as he said on the phone everything she had is now mine. The list was more extensive than I ever could've imagined. As her spouse he's fighting the insurance companies over the accident, and said I'll most likely get a settlement. Her life insurance policy is apparently being paid out to me as well.

The funeral is today, Rach and I are finishing getting ready in the guest bathroom together. I'm working on my makeup, even though it'll all be cried off soon. As I put my makeup bag back in the drawer my phone starts to ring,

"Hey, kiddo I'm outside. Are you girls ready?" Ron sounds collected over the phone, but we both know he isn't. I signal to Rachel that he's here to pick us up and she scurries out of the bathroom, and down the hall to Ashton's room. I go to the guest room to pick up my heels before running downstairs to meet her.

All four boys have congregated in the driveway and are shaking hands with Ron, doing introductions, and offering their condolences. They each give Rachel a quick hug before moving on to me. Mike is the first to approach, and I'm hoping what he says won't make me cry, he's such a sap sometimes.

"Hey doll, if you need anything let me know. You're such an incredibly strong young woman and I love you to death I hope you know that. I'll see you tonight."

He pulls away from our hug and I have to look up at the sky and blink a few times to fight the tears back down. I offer him a weak smile and nod,

"Love you, Cass. We're all here for you, anything you need just say the word." Ash is short and sweet, adding a swift kiss on my cheek. A classic move from him.

I move on to Luke who looks down at me with a melancholy expression, holding his arms open. It takes everything in me not to fall into his arms and cry.

"You're so strong, Cass. The way you've handled these last few weeks is incredible, and I'm still so sorry. Remember what I said though, you don't always have to be so strong, okay? I love you, we all love you so much."

I have to take a moment to compose myself before I move on to Calum. I feel my stomach fill with a familiar nervous feeling, I haven't spoken to him in days. His face is softer than it has been lately and I wonder if he's stopped being upset with me.

I stare up into his eyes for a moment and I swear I could cry just looking at him. I've missed him so much these past few days... it didn't feel fair but I was too afraid to talk to him.

He closes the space between us and pulls me into his arms. I immediately melt in his embrace, taking in everything I can about him in case he's only doing this because of the funeral. If he's still mad.. or if he hates me I don't know what I'll do.

"I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Make sure to come back safe." His voice is quiet, and I feel his lips brush my ear as he speaks to me. I have to bite my trembling lip to keep from crying, his tone was sincere but that's all he had to say. It would have hurt less if he had just stayed in his room and said nothing. He's the only one who didn't say it, and that alone makes my heart ache.

I pull back and smile weakly at him, wiping a few stray tears from my cheeks. I wave to the boys one more time before turning to the car, but before I can get in, I'm pulled back by a hand on my wrist. I'm spun around with a swift pull, and wrapped in a set of familiar arms.

"Ignore him, Cass. He's being such a fucking idiot and I'm so sorry. I know you didn't need that today." Michael says, and it takes everything in me not to break down. Instead, I tell him what's on my mind.

"I guess you were wrong about him." I sniffle and wiggle my way out of his grasp, turning as fast as I can and jumping into the passenger's seat. I slam the door a little too hard and see a set of sad green eyes staring at me through the window as we pull out of the driveway.

I won't know anyone other than the two people in this car with me, and I hardly know Ron at all. I hate knowing that my mother had this whole life without me that I hardly ever knew about and now I have to be thrown into it without her.

The woman I remember before my dad was sick, she would have loved the boys, and my dad would have too. I wish they could have had the chance to know them before everything got so bad, I wish I could have had them to carry me through it.

The air is heavy with grief as the three of us enter the funeral home. So much of me wants to scream, or cry but suddenly I'm stricken by a numbness that coats my pain. I wasn't allowed to know the costs of anything, Ron insisted on taking care of it but he wanted my opinion on things. The funeral home is huge, with high ornate ceilings in the main visitation room. There's thick columns lining the walls, it reminds me somewhat of a cathedral. The sun is shining through stained glass windows, and there's waiters walking around with trays of wine and other drinks. I grab the first glass of white wine that passes me.I don't like wine very much, but the idea of going through this entirely sober makes my stomach sour.

"Cassandra, honey we are so sorry for your loss." I spin around to face the voice and find a face I don't recognize staring back at me. I know I should expect this for the entire event, strangers who knew my mother better than I did offering me their condolences. I keep Rachel's arm hooked with mine as we make our way up to the front of the room where our seats are. People come up to us and introduce themselves as friends, coworkers, or family members I never met.

Once the room settles down, Ron steps up to the podium to deliver a speech about my mother. He speaks so warmly of her, of how she loved nature, and would do anything for those she cares about. I used to know her that way too, she was a kind soul when I was young.

I feel a surge of anger rush through my body as he says it now though, and I can see Rachel look over at me from my peripheral vision. She didn't do anything for the people she was supposed to care about the most, her dying husband and only child. She wasn't there when we needed her. I understand that the woman I knew may not be who she was now, hell the woman she was when she left wasn't the woman I grew up with. A lump in my throat is rising, and I feel my chest constrict, and my stomach fall. I have to get out of here, I can't do this.

I'm up out of my seat with my legs carrying me as fast as they can, swiping the tears that fall as I run down the long hallway to the atrium.

I burst through the doors outside with shaking hands, I lean my head back against the cool brick and kick my heels off. I can't call Calum, he doesn't want to hear from me, but I have to get away from this and away from her. I pick up my phone and dial the one person I know will answer that might understand.

"Hey, doll is everything ok?"