Wish You Were Here

Part Twelve: Don't Let Me Go

"Hey, Cass." He jumps out of the driver's seat and runs to open the passenger door for me. He insisted on picking me up from the house.

"Calm down, Lu." I say chuckling at how nervous he seems.

"Sorry.. I just don't want to mess up again. I like that you call me Lu, no one else does." His eyes hold so much sincerity and loneliness. I always give in to those eyes, and I can't help but to believe him.

We drive for a while making conversation, it's not always easy and we falter a few times. There's periods of awkward silence where neither of us have anything to say. It reminds me of the date we went on, and how jealous I was that Ash and Rach had effortless conversation the whole night. This of course just reinforces how much we weren't meant for each other, but friendship could be good for us.

He takes me to a local restaurant that he loves. It seems like it's been here forever and is slightly run down but I find so much comfort in the atmosphere.

"Luke, hey honey how are you?" A waitress comes up and pats his shoulder, she's a bit older, probably in her late thirties.

"Hey, Georgia! It's so good to see you back again. Did everything end up okay?" He immediately responds with that familiar gleam in his eyes. They engage in a conversation about whatever he mentioned before but it seems personal so I tuned it out. I just like to watch how normal and engaged he is in everything. There's something about the way his whole face lights up when he smiles.

"I ordered you water, and a diet. That's your usual, right?" He asks looking back over to me. I was so out of it I must have missed the drink ordering.

"That's perfect, thank you." I sent him a genuine smile, I can't believe he took the time to remember my dumb drink order.

We sit for a while, talking and laughing. We've been shooting straw wrappers across the table at each other and giggling madly like little kids. He's so at ease, and I love this side of him. Even after we finish eating we sit for a long time catching up. The pain we both faced is avoided in our conversations. We mostly talk about his music and my writing, perfectly safe topics that don't open any wounds.

Before I know it we're pulling back into the familiar driveway, and I'm giving him a hug as best as I can from the position in our seats. We exchanged goodbyes and I feel so relieved knowing that we really are better off as friends.

The house is oddly quiet as I enter, and most of the lights on the main floor are off. It's only mid afternoon, but seeing as it's our last day I'm sure Ash is treating Rachel to something fabulous before we leave.

I drag myself up the stairs to look for a sign of life. Maybe Mikey is home... or Cal but I worry he's upset with me. I'd hate to leave here without fixing things with him, we connected so quickly and he's such a good friend. I couldn't leave here knowing he's angry at me.

There's music playing from his room, I can faintly hear it through the closed door. I knock heavily to make sure he can hear it. As I'm about to knock again the door finally swings open to reveal a disheveled and tired looking Calum.

"Hey." His voice is flat and emotionless. His eyes are duller than I'm used to seeing, and he doesn't look happy to see me. There's a burning in my chest, one that aches for the light to reach his eyes like I'm used to seeing.

"Can we talk?" My voice comes out weak, and I avoid looking at him. He doesn't say anything, he only moves out of the way to let me into his room.

We sit on the edge of his bed but leave a space between us. I can feel all of the heaviness in the few inches between us, keeping my thigh from brushing against his. I hate being like this with him, I just don't understand.

"What's wrong? You left this morning without saying anything and I know you're mad at me." I force the words out softly,

"Nothings wrong. I'm fine." He won't even look at me when he says it.

"Don't fucking lie to me, please." I turn myself to face him, to plead with him to tell me.

"I don't want to leave here today with you angry at me, please just talk to me.."

"I don't agree with your decision. I hate that you went to see him, and I hate that you're letting him back in." His dull eyes are full of anger when he finally speaks to me. I'm taken aback by his behavior, he's almost yelling and I'm not used to seeing him this way. It took everything in me not to flinch at his raised voice.

"It's my choice, I don't even see why it matters. We're just friends, I can take care of myself." I huff looking over and matching his raised tone. I'm so angry at him for ignoring me over something so stupid, it isn't his choice. The room is immediately overtaken by a thick hostility.

"That's it though, your friends now but what will happen when you trust him again and he makes a move? He's going to suck you right back in and I can't watch it... I can't see him do that to you again." He's really yelling at me now, he got up and started to pace and pull at his hair. The veins in his neck become prominent, his jaw clenched, and his shoulders are tensed.

"You think I don't know everything that happened? I heard the phone calls with Ashton, I heard you weep over the phone while drunk out of your mind. I had to hear Rachel crying to him about how worried she was that you'd fucking kill yourself. I can't stand here and watch it happen because I care too fucking much about you already."

All I can do is stare in shock and disbelief.

I can hear it in his voice that he's holding back tears. I feel tears pricking in my own eyes, and I'm fighting with everything I have to hold them in. All while the burning feeling spreads to an ache that overtakes my chest.

"That isn't fair. I wouldn't go back to him." I try to sound strong but my voice is shaking.

"I don't want to lose you, Cass. I only saw half of what happened and I didn't even know you then, but I was worried sick every time Ashton's phone rang. Now that I know you... I can't lose you." His voice breaks as the tears he was holding back finally fall.

"I won't go back to him, I won't. You won't lose me." We're both crying, and the air around us is heavy. I can't think about him worrying for me before he met me, or how worried I made Ash, and Rach. I hate knowing how much stress I put on everyone when I was falling apart. I bury my face in my hands and try to shake the thoughts away, but they won't leave no matter how hard I want them to.

"I knew I was a fucking burden. All I did was hurt everyone and I was so stupid. I-I'm so s-sorry." My words come out thick with tears, and I know more tears are going to follow. I push past him out of the bedroom and run to the guest room, locking the door behind me.

I sit at the foot of the bed, choking out sobs. He obviously lied when he said I wasn't a burden, I know I am. Memories of the past few weeks are running through my mind, how much I worried Rach after I promised her I was getting better...she didn't deserve that. I've been reckless and I let my own pain consume me so much that I worried people I hadn't even met yet.