Little Miss Perfect ✔~ trixya

Chapter 14: Where I Belong

Trixie

"You. You in all of your cute, awkward, sweet, amazing, kind, funny, shy and smart glory."

"You.. you shouldn't say stuff like that.." I say sadly, tears filling my eyes.

"Why not?"

"Because it's confusing.. and I'm none of that... I'm not like that at all... I'm just a pathetic, frightened girl who pretends to be in control of her life." I reply, letting some of my honest thoughts lay bare in front of her.

I don't really know why it's so easy to trust Katya, but somehow I don't fear that she'll run and tell everyone. After all, she didn't tell anyone about the kiss.

"Being frightened doesn't make you pathetic, Trixie. I wish you could see what I see when I look at you, because the person I see is truly beautiful." She says, lifting my chin up so my eyes meet hers.

No one has ever spoken to me like that. All I've ever heard is how I should act and who I should be. Guys call me hot, teachers call me smart, and people half-mockingly call me perfect.
But no one has actually told me that I'm beautiful as a person. No one's even really cared what my personality is like.
But Katya does, Katya sees me for me.

And then there it is.
That familiar feeling inside of me.
That feeling that I've so often tried to push away. That feeling that seems to make my skin itch and makes panic rise within. The feeling that tells me I'm not being honest with myself. The feeling that's begging me to say the words that scare me the most out loud. The feeling that keeps pulling me closer and closer towards Katya like a magnet.

You know when you know something is true without question or doubt?
Like the sky being blue, old people dying, or rain being wet? All those things that you don't need to say or question, the things you just know.
That's what it feels like when I finally admit it to myself.

I'm gay.
And I like Katya.
I really, really like her.

Why have I denied something so painfully obvious? How could I miss something that's so plain to see? Something that glared and stared at me for so long... Why have I worked so hard to withhold that truth from myself? 

"I'd rather go to hell then give up a part of my identity. Why would I want heaven if it means giving up on love?" Katya said that night we first kissed, and I'm starting to think she's right.

If I'm loosing a part of me... maybe I don't want heaven. 

And who's to say what God really thinks? Maybe he wouldn't judge so harshly.
And aren't we all children of God?
Jesus helped the outcasts, he showed them that all of them were God's children. He touched the contagious, and yet my congregation would surely have turned them away.

And why would God have created us in this way if he did not mean for us to act upon it? Aren't we meant to believe that God's creation has no flaw?
Yes, free will allows us to make different choices, but I've tried to make the choice to ignore this and that feels far more unatural, so what am I meant to believe?
The Bible also says "love thy neighbour" which Jason nor my parents do through their actions, so why should I live by their image of what is right and wrong? Why should I define my belief by their standards?

"Trixie?" Katya asks, clearly curious about why I've been silent for so long.

"I do have something to tell you." I say, gathering up all the courage I have in my soul.

"You can tell me anything." She says, taking my hand in hers and giving it an encouraging squeeze.

"I'm... I'm.. I-I'm gay." I stammer out, feeling a heavy weight lift from my shoulders as tears fall down my cheeks. "I'm gay." I repeat with a smile as I laugh through my tears, a feeling of complete bliss taking over my body.

I may not have all the answers yet.
I may not dare to reveal who I am to everyone right away. But I am finally on my way towards happiness. 

I wanna feel alive, not just like I'm fighting for survival. I want to be around someone who will tell me that who I am is good enough. I want to find a heaven that I can feel like I belong in, and I'm sure that one day I will find it.

When all is said and done I wanna be able to say that I lived my life to the fullest.

"Trixie, I am so proud of you." Katya says before wrapping me up in the safety of her arms.