Little Miss Perfect ✔~ trixya

Chapter 19: Wherever You Go

Katya

I stare at Trixie as she yells out another cheer, longing for the next time I can hold her and kiss her freely.

Our secret time is when my heart's at peace. When her arms are around me I feel like I'm in a dream. I want to create a peaceful world with her. Somewhere where we can be protected from the judging eyes of those around us.
I want to hold her through the night and sleep in late. I want to make her breakfast in bed. I want to shower with her and wash her hair. I want to do every stupid overly romantic thing one could think of. As long as I'm with her, I'll be happy.

This weekend is special, Trixie's parents are going away to her father's business event and so she invited me to stay over. I've been nervous and jittery all week, and still I'm almost certain she feels even more nervous. 

We have nothing planned really, but it still feels like a big step to stay in the same house overnight. Maybe nothing will happen at all, after all Trixie hasn't been ready to go any further than making out. However she is getting bolder, and has been hinting at wanting to continue on, so it's hard to say what she's thinking.

It doesn't really matter tho. Just the thought of getting to show my love for her uninterrupted makes my heart swell. Just me and her, no one to bother us, our own secret paradise.
For once I won't have to steal her away from his arms. For once she'll be mine.

Not a day goes by without jealousy rising in my chest from seeing Jason's arms around her. When he kisses her, tears sting in my eyes and rage fills my body, but I push it down. I just want her for my own. I want to tell the world that she's mine, but I can't do that. She shines as bright as the sun, and without her beside me, my soul feels empty. And still, I am not allowed to walk under her glow in broad daylight.

How long can I live this way? I've asked myself that question over and over. 
How long am I willing to be a ghost, hiding in the shadows?

It's been months.
Months of sneaking around, months of waiting for Trixie, months of constant heartache.

Honestly, it scares me, and if she was anyone else, I would have let her go. But shadows follow the light. So no matter how much I would like to turn away and ignore these feelings, no matter how much I'd want to go back to the days before I met her, I know I can't. I need her. With her by my side I feel on top of the world, and I can't give up on that feeling. 

One day, one day we'll be together for real. We have to be. Someday our happy end will come, I have to believe that. My soul, my body, my heart, they all belong to her. With every breath she takes, my love for her grows. 

Still my heart longs for any clue that her feelings match mine.
If this is only a fling for her, then I don't know what I'll do.
What if it's a simple infatuation?
What if secrecy is what keeps it exciting for her? What happens when our battle is won? Will she still want me or will she search elsewhere?

Trixie's practice ends and I quickly walk away from the bleachers to our meeting spot. She takes a while, having to change and shower before she arrives. As soon as she reaches me, she flings herself into my arms joyfully.
And then, just as soon as my doubts had come, they disappear from my mind, all my attention on the girl I love.

"Are you ready to go?" She asks as she pulls away from the hug. She smiles warmly, and my heart melts. 

"Yeah, let's go." I say happily, almost taking her hand before remembering that I can't do that in public. In this little corner of the world we're safe from view, but as soon as we head over to her car, we risk being seen. 

And then the sorrowful thoughts return. Worries regarding what we truly are and what we will be, fill my mind once more. And my heart begs for her to show me that she'll still be there when we are no longer living under the protection of dark shadows. 

But I know that even if she does abandon me, my heart is bound to her for the rest of my days.
If I attempt to let her go, I'll be denying myself my soul's one true need and desire. Letting her go would mean a part of me dies.

So now, wherever she goes, whatever path she may choose, my heart will follow her.