Little Miss Perfect ✔~ trixya

Chapter 16: Falling Leaves Are Beautiful

Katya

"Okay, so for real, what is going on with you and Trixie?" Adore asks as we walk to our regular smoking spot behind the school.

"What? What do you mean?" I reply in a nervous tone.

I know how determined Trixie has been about hiding our ... well, whatever we are. Officially Trixie is still dating Jason, and although the sight of him touching her makes me want to rip is fucking arm off, I've come to accept that. No one knows what we are, honestly not even we do...

The last month has gone by with us sneaking around, stealing kisses in between classes, having study sessions together after school that mostly become makeout sessions, but nothing more than that. Trixie's faith may be changing, but sex is still not something she's comfortable with and I respect that. I would never pressure her into doing something she doesn't want to do.

"You just seem really friendly..." Adore says suggestively. "For real why is she even friendly towards you at all?"

"It's nothing like that. Trust me. We're friends tho, even tho it may not seem like it all the time at school... She's nice, and she's my math partner so it's better to try to get along with her, after all I do have to see her in every math class and outside of school for test-prep." I say, trying to seem chill about the subject.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you two were math partners. It all makes sense now." Adore says, slapping her forehead as if she thinks she's the dumbest person in the world.

"What? Would it be that shocking if Trixie actually enjoyed spending time with me?" I ask, trying to hide the fact that the statement makes me feel slightly offended.

"Well, no, it's just.. Trixie hates being around people who can make her seem less perfect, and that usually includes very outspoken and obvious lesbians like you." She states.

I suppose that makes sense. Trixie really needed to fight against herself to be able to come out. I can imagine that she's tried her best to shy away from anyone who could make her "gay by association". 

"I see, well, she's nice to me. And I really think she just needs some time to warm up to people who are different from her, she's not a bad person." I say, trying to both defend her but also not give away too much. No matter how much I want to scream out why she's acted the way she has, I can't, that would be breaking her trust entirely.

It feels strange, to care for someone so deeply, but not be allowed to show it. Strange, but not at all unfamiliar.
There was a time when I wished I could disappear from this world, where the secrets seemed to painful to hide that I cried every night. I hated myself for not being able to receive love, hated how my every attempt at love had to stay hidden in the shadows.

There was only one real relationship, and I don't even know if it was love.
No one knew, and so when it ended, it almost seemed as if it didn't happen. It all just seemed fake, not like a dream, but more like a game.
The saddest part is that we had no good memories when it was all over. We spent more time worrying about if anyone would see us together then we did actually getting to know eachother. We could have been so good together, but we had to end it to stop being constantly anxious. The girl was in my class, so the day after it ended I had to walk in and see her, and smile and laugh as if my heart wasn't breaking. I felt helpless at that time, and pretending to not be hurt, actually hurt even more than hiding the relationship had. And yet, I can't remember a single personal thing she ever told me. I can't remember one single happy moment we shared. There really is nothing left.

My biggest fear is that Trixie and I will end up the same way, but I haven't told her that. She's worrying enough as it is, I don't want her to also worry about losing me. But luckily a lot of things are also different now. My parents know that I'm gay now. They didn't back then, and I had no idea how they would react, so coming out terrified me. And I know Trixie, I know who she is, what she likes, what she dislikes, her tiny habits, her tell-tale expressions, I know them all. 

And even more so, I love Trixie, I know I do. And loving her scares me, but it also seems like the most beautiful adventure. I hope somewhere down the line there's a truly happy ending for us. If we can't have that then I think I'd like to be in pain. I'm willing to take a lot of pain just to make sure I never forget her. No suffering matters if I can hold her in my arms for just a second. For just one kiss, I'd take years of longing.

Of course, I can't tell her that.
I can't tell her that I love her.
Not yet.

But some day I will.
One day, if fate allows it, I'll tell the entire world that I love Trixie Mattel.